Anxious, positive and sad all at once…

So, I went for the awaited CBT assessment and I am going to get some for my anxiety, so I can hopefully go on to apply it to all the food stuff.

I am positive that getting some sort of help is now in the near future, but the whole thing did make me very anxious. I’m also annoyed by the fact that I mentioned how almost all my panic is about food, weight etc & she then felt it appropriate to say “you don’t have an eating disorder”

Although this was more a general statement than an accusation, I was hurt that she didn’t guess before I said that I did. It just made me feel like a not thin enough failure. I guess it is pretty dumb to dwell on that one point of conversation, but it all goes back to the fact that my ed feels like my protection, a piece of me… and above all, it is there every minute of every day in a very blatant fashion in my mind. All of a sudden I’ve realised that people only really see you from the outside. Of course, I take from this that I am not thin enough, and that I should be disgusted that my eating disorder is technically “atypical.”

Another mental argument I’ve also got going on is that I do have an eating disorder, so it’s ok and I don’t need to be freaking out…

Then there is the logical part of my brain that knows (very VERY deep down) that surely all of the above is insanity.

Will I ever get out of this? Am I even sure that I want to? Will getting thinner and people knowing more obviously about my ed really give me the twisted sense of justification I feel I need in order to give it all up? Would people even notice at all- I mean hardly anybody has noticed that I’ve never eaten at college infront of them (and we have been there 4 months)?

Everything is confusing. I am happy that some help appears to be on its way, but I’m worried that it won’t be right, or be enough help, or that I simply won’t be able to have a normal mentality.

I’m scared about calories :S

Before I went through a binge/ starve or purge phase, I lost lots of weight by eating way more than a lot of anorexics. I became underweight & lost my periods even when I was eating between 1200 and 1500 calories a day. I suppose that has something to do with exercise (dance training is pretty active 😉 )

Now though, I know I am back  in a restrictive phase (good bye bulimia for now!!) and I can logically tell that I am losing weight. However, I am scared that I won’t be able to lose on  the same calories anymore?!

I know that amount of food does not sound anorexic, but when you exercise for about the same number of hours as the average person sleeps in a day, then the level of restriction compared to activity is pretty high!

So yeh. Scared. What am I going to do……

I love food (sort of)…

The average citizen usually assumes that anybody with an eating disorder simply doesn’t want to eat. I do want to eat, and whatever amount I am eating I like to prepare and eat it in my own perfectly organised fashion.

For me, this means cooking it to the precise minute, weighing it all out accurately, cooking alone, eating with matching cutlery, eating alone &  eating slowly. Although I can sometimes become afraid of gaining/ not losing enough weight whatever my intake is, I have a sort of love for eating in this obsessive kind of way.

A Christmas present to myself this year is going to be asking to eat alone… they said I can do whatever makes me happiest.