For some reason that I’m unsure of, tonight feels lonely. I’m not alone, but I feel that way with all the thoughts in my mind.
My routine is becoming more organised. I now have certain dance classes and support groups I attend. Lists, as always, are my friend. I write down my weekly plans, as well as silly to do’s and enjoy crossing them off.
Aside from food thoughts tonight, my brain is circling on unanswerable questions.
If I get the benefit, how much will it be?
If I don’t get it, when and where could I realistically work (health and time wise) as a temporary measure in order to pay for the classes etc that I need to keep doing so I’m still working towards getting another job in the industry?
Am I doing the right thing by signing up to try something new in January? What if my strength lets me down?
What if I don’t get better?
What if I fail? At getting better, in my career, in life?
Does anyone have any answers? People at the back? Anyone?! No… well, just me on my own then. Seriously speaking, I know I can’t answer these questions right now. Nobody can! I’d just like to know what’s coming and whether I can handle it, but life just isn’t like that.
Every morning I wake up wishing that I could I restrict and/ or exercise enough to be satisfied, but that never happens.
I feel like my disorder forces me to be addicted to punishing myself; exercising when I’m exhausted, eating when I hadn’t planned to, restricting to a point of wanting to give up on living etc.. Most average people enjoy treating themselves, so why do I have to be different!? Be it eating out with loved ones, going for massage, taking an afternoon nap on the weekend… People do things that are kind to themselves.
I hate how I feel when I allow myself to break the cycle of doing punishing things. It’s like my mind doesn’t want me to feel rested or calm.
Well that sucks.
As I write this, I’m pacing the room to burn calories. I find it impossible not to obey the compelling feeling to exercise at night.
Throughout my life – before my ed included, I have always associated the end of the day with a treat. That used to be something from the corner shop after school, or a dessert after dinner. Nowadays, I am obsessed with planning what I can have the evening, subsequently filled with a fear of binging , and whatever I eat (even if it is less than planned) , ending the night with copious amounts of walking.
I suppose I do loathe the fact I can’t sleep without doing it, yet at the same time I do enjoy the peace ad quiet on some level. I have a suspicion this may be my disorder clinging on for dear life though…
I was talking to somebody about my disorder (they brought it up) and they were asking about my opinions on thinness. That was hard because I am utterly consumed by a necessity to be thinner and to criticise my body and compare myself with others, yet I perpetually tell people that eating disorders aren’t about being thin. Understandably the friend who asked was a little confused by this! I guess the truth of the matter is this:
being thin feels like the most important thing, but really what I want is to be in control of my life. If I worry about food and my weight, I don’t have to feel the pressure of adult life and growing up. I want to be independent, but I’m terrified of failing
I screwed up today. I didn’t do my food diary for cbt and I snapped at my mum with no good reason. She was commenting on my mood positively, I defended myself instantly and told her that I still think suicidal thoughts everyday so my outer mood doesn’t matter blah blah blah…. I regret saying that. No parent wants to hear their child’s wishes to kill themselves.
Tomorrow morning I have to phone and make the dreaded doctors appointment to be weighed. Utterly petrified and it isn’t until the 16th! I just don’t want her to think I don’t have a problem. I don’t want her to think I’m weak, or dumb, or fat. (And yes, I know that sounds ridiculous but that’s what I’m thinking right now)
Bye for now!
My family did everything to try and help me in the early days. It didn’t work because I just did everything I could to conceal my behaviour.
Now that they have given up , I pace rooms to burn calories in their presence. The need to do so is compulsive and I’ve stopped caring if they see me doing it or not. At least this way we can talk and see each other, instead of hardly saying hello because I would whisk myself off alone to exercise.
This has made realise that nobody can help you unless you choose to be helped. Mental illness may not happen through choice but it can be recovered from/ improved by choice. Personally , I don’t think I will ever be completely free of my eating disorder, but my cbt and antidepressants are beginning to make me more optimistic about being able to manage it better in the future.
Once you’ve had an ed, the thoughts remain at any weight. One must definitely eat normally during the recovery process, but eating alone is not a cure.
So, I’m worried that my friends who are watching me perform on Friday won’t think I’m skinny. I’m terrified they will think I’m fat.
But, on the upside, I did all my evening exercises that I set myself, so atleast I can allow myself to go to bed.
Night for now!
Tonight I am home alone. All of my housemates have gone out, and so I am enjoying the bliss that is getting some time alone. I love working with other people. I love having people around, but there comes a point where I just want to be alone. They don’t really understand it but I don’t care, as this is simply the way I am. Having time to myself gives me a breather from some of the more annoying housemates, which, when you have quite a lot of problems of your own as it is, feels like a miracle! I try to be tolerant and patient with others, but it is not always easy to hold back from going crazy when you are struggling physically and emotionally and then get provoked by complete ignorance and selfishness. (Some of them are absolutely lovely people. but sadly not all of them!)
Anyways, my college week has been pretty good. Everyday I am grateful for being in a place where I get to do what I love all day. 🙂 It is only one week until the half term holiday though, and the looming thought of adjusting to being at home again for a few days is creeping up on me. My exercise addiction is really getting on top of me too. Any moment I am sitting makes me feel like a failure, and so i find myself constantly jiggling or getting up and doing anything I can think of to keep me on my feet!
Night for now…
Although it does sometimes cross my mind that a 19 year old shouldn’t relish chances to be antisocial, I do love being by myself! I have some incredible friends, and spending time with them when we are all in the same city at the same time is something I look forward to massively, but when I’ve arrived home afterward, I like nothing more than hearing my parents say “we’re off to bed now. Night”
In bulimic phases that meant a chance to binge and purge, and at the moment, it is a chance to exercise and/or eat what I have left of my restricted calorie allowance.
It is quiet. It is calm. I love it.