Tag Archives: fat

Dietitians, the fat feeling & overthinking central. 

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I have some goals with my food intake that I’m doing my best to achieve. I’m honestly finding that each day is different. Sometimes I can wake up and eat a full breakfast and feel ok, but other days I’m too uncomfortable with the amount of calories in the meal to eat it. I’ve already realised that I’m soooo used to living in a hungry state, and when I have eaten my breakfast I have fewer thoughts about food and cravings in the following hours. Who would have thought that maybe, just maybe, people who eat normally don’t spend their whole lives overanalysing food? LOL AT MY LIFE 

Today was predominantly very relaxing and equally productive, until a worry came in and brought along with it the fat feeling. Basically any emotion has the power to make me feel fat, and feeling fat then makes me feel angry & disappointed in myself for being as imperfect and flabby as I am. Nothing and nobody can calm my feelings of fatness, and unfortunately that’s just the way it is. 

Do any of you relate to feeling fat? How do you handle it? 

When I get stuck in thought cycles about my body, I find it such a challenge to stop overthinking. This has always been a trait of mine, but it’s been exaggerated by OCD. Fingers crossed the feelings are so strong in the morning

Night xoxo

“Life is too short to be uncomfortable”

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Those are the wise words of one Miss Meghan Tonjes. If you don’t know her, then I’m sad for you, but it’s ok because I’m here now 😂

Meghan is a youtuber, singer/songwriter and also has an amazingly funny podcast called Adventures in Roommating. She is extremely honest about her body and food issues and she started #bootyrevolution and posts pics of her booty when she is having a positive body image day. I respect her for her talents, her confidence and her truthfulness. Click the link to watch the video I quoted in the title 🙂 

Life is too short; wear a crop top  
If you have struggled with your weight, your confidence, societal pressure to be a certain way, are in ed recovery or have ever felt ashamed of your body, then you should watch the video, because Meghan hits the nail on the head: life is just too short. 

Xoxo

Utterly at breaking point today. (ED TRIGGER WARNING)

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I met a new therapist today and she was really nice. It went ok. Nothing about my day was unusually bad or difficult, but seeing my reflection in a bikini just pushed me over the edge. 

I can’t say I was exactly feeling positive and relaxed beforehand, but even so, I wasn’t expecting to be so upset because of a dumb mirror. I just looked horribly “normal”, you know, flabby, round, gross.. I didn’t look at all like I should considering I have a fucking eating disorder. I’m so exhausted at not being thin enough. I have been thinner than I am now, so what the hell am I playing at?! I’ve had years now to get back there, and I know people in my life just say I’m skinny to avoid upsetting me more. 

I’m on this mission with my eating disorder and I wish other people would help me, but apparently I’m destroying myself and they won’t help me do that. Well I’m either going to be a body size that doesn’t make me feel this way pretty damn soon, or I’m going to kill myself. I’m a joke of an ed sufferer. I don’t even think I have one anymore. 

I’m so wound up that I’m going to see how long I can go without eating tomorrow. Fuck this. 

When you feel enormous

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Today I had one of those days where I felt totally overwhelmed by the feeling of being enormous. Usually, I can pinpoint what I hate the most about my body (although it is all always horrible), but today I just literally felt gross flab all over me. I wanted to cry and/or rip it off. This made me more depressed than normal and it irritates the hell out of me that it makes such a dent in my day.

Whatever I do is not enough. There is never an end in which my ed is satisfied with what I have done. Pretty tiring…

Putting on a front.

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One of the things I find most difficult about how I currently feel is that I am living with people who don’t understand it. I decided to tell them about my disorder and how I feel day to day (when they ask) but whatever they say always seems to become a negative comment in my head. 

Whether they say they think I’m doing well, or whether they try to say I’m not eating well, I never feel comfortable. At the beginning of my problems I often just told those closest to me that I was “fine” and so by telling them I believed I was making life easier for myself. I guess I have, as I don’t have to cover it up completely, but from now on I am just going to accept what they say. 

“You seem to be doing well at the moment” – I will agree, regardless of what I think or feel.
“You seem to be having a hard time just now”- I will shrug it off. What is the point in confiding in people who don’t get it?!

Yesterday, one of my housemates (who has their own mental issues not to do with food) was, yet again, blabbing on about wanting to lose weight. She talks almost 24/7, often just chatting shit or not even making sense, and so she said “it’s like some people lose weight so easily, like their metabolism is really high. It’s so unfair how I don’t lose weight when I don’t eat, or you don’t lose weight…” So why exactly did my family all tell me multiple times when I went home that I’d lost weight?

I know she probably doesn’t even remember saying it, and I know that my body stats mean that I have lost, but it is just plain hurtful. She thinks my ed means she can get info about losing weight out of me. I lose weight by obsessively exercising and restricting my intake. It is a very simple formula that only struggles to work when you hit starvation. Your body would probably only stop losing from restriction at an underweight weight anyway. Her problem is that she knows sod all about what she eats. She is lying to herself about how much she has.

I am hurt by her comment, even though I know she is utterly crazy and talks crap quite a lot anyway (e.g she told me a girl we know is like really skinny but fat at the same time!! The girl is skinny, end of. ) I wish she would keep her thoughts about her own body and everyone else’s to herself. I don’t want to know what some teenager with adhd has to say.

Ran over.

Sick of it.

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I went to cbt today (which focuses on the anxious and depressive thoughts I have) and she wants me to have higher intensity treatment.
She also said “obviously in terms of how are you , bmi and what have you, you wouldn’t fit the ed service criteria.”
Well. Screw the system then.
Anyone who reads this and is from the UK can hopefully testify that the nhs system for eating disorders basically waits until you are on deaths door to help you. My parents and gp went to a lot of effort to get me seen by them back home, even though I had an underweight bmi, felt like crap and lost my periods. Although I know the system usually only allows for the most physically affected patients, her saying this has caused me to feel fat and disgusting.
Since September I have lost most of the weight I regained through my “rapid recovery” , which was in fact just my ed developing into bulimia.
I have so much more to say about how hurt and stressed out I am, but I just can’t find the words to say it. It’s been going on too long, I want to reach my weight goal and be done with it.(I’m well aware my last sentence basically screams disorder as in realistic terms I won’t ever be happy,)but whatever, I’m just sick of it all.

Being left alone

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I often long for my 5 housemates go to out, so that I don’t have to see anyone and worry they think I’m fat. “If they go out, you can cook alone, eat alone, everything will be perfect” is what the voice tells me…

This past weeks has blown that theory out the water. As I’m so rarely alone, my habitual state is to be planning and calculating when I can take food from the cupboard/ cook/ eat and not be seen, so being alone somehow just makes me binge (or what feels like bingeing as it has reached around double my normal amount) Even if my binge amount would be considered normal to others i FEEL out of control during these episodes.. 😦

In a way it makes sense: I subconsciously don’t know when I will be able to eat without the rushing and on edge feeling of there being 5 others in the house, so there’s probably some biological trigger for my body to store food while it can. What doesn’t help is that I am stressed anyway, so my reaction to eating is to immediately try to throw up & when that fails exercise obsessively and take laxatives. I am so frustrated that living with 5 others makes my relationship with food more difficult AND that when they are gone food stuff is almost worst. 

When we are all in the house I want them to be gone, but now they have gone and this has happened, I am afraid of being alone in the house. So what if a short period of eating more can’t scientifically change how fat you look? Cos it feels shit anyway. I feel like a child… confused and scared, but nobody can protect me from myself. I am the one who has these thoughts and reacts to them, but I feel powerless to stop them. I wish somebody else could stop everything for me.

Best descriptions of eating disorders.

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Just some things I have read recently that I really like. At last there are some things around that haven’t got eating problems totally upside down!

“People who develop eating disorders feel that they’re not good enough,” Sacker says. “They become obsessed with perfectionism. That perfectionism begins to focus on what they eat. But underlying it is depression and anxiety.”

“At first, it was such a relief not to worry about anything else. The eating disorder started as a coping mechanism to help me avoid my other problems. But, in the end, it became the biggest problem of all.”

“If your value is looking good by societal standards, then you’ll feel good about taking that self-depriving step towards trying to lose a bit more weight – e.g. passing on dessert. There is definitely some psychological reward from having this Spartan mentality. On top of this, if you value achievement and hard work, it seems you’ll certainly at an increased risk of deriving a lot of pleasure from controlling food intake.” 

“They are emotional illnesses and really there is only one illness: the use of one or another aspect of eating behaviour to change the way we feel.”

“Too fat or too thin, it’s the same emotional illness.”

“When I had Anorexia, I really wanted to say to an aunt: ‘please don’t mention that I look ‘well’ because this triggers my eating disorder thoughts’ but I didn’t know how to do say so tactfully, and did not want to bring attention to myself, so what did I do? I started to avoid that aunt. What did my mother think? She thought I was being rude. And on it goes …”

“I can’t even look at the menu. There’s nothing on here I can eat. There are too many choices. I don’t want to be here and now everyone’s looking at me. I want to go home!”

“The biggest problem with humanity is that we always want to know why. Maybe it is ok to sometimes not know, and to accept life as it comes. You have to challenge your own hurdles instead of sitting down to look for an answer you might never find.”

 

Quiet and comfortable :)

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I know that free time is usually spent by socialising for people my age, but I like to use quite a bit of mine to also have time to be quiet and comfortable. When I am by myself, I don’t have to be afraid that others are staring at me, or think I’m fat.. I don’t have to feel out of place. 

This evening I have had that + my daytime hours were packed with seeing friends… good combo!

I do kinda hate that my mental illness makes it hard for me to feel normal, but a little time doing as I please, without the pressure that being around people can cause me, is soooo good.