“Aren’t you hungry?”

Simply put: OF COURSE I AM. Not eating is pretty obviously going to make you really hungry. At the moment I was asked this, I was waiting for everybody to get out of the kitchen so I could eat was planned, and I was also emotionally drained. Tired, worried and on the brink of tears, I just had no words to answer that question…. so I stared for a while and eventually said “just shh. It doesn’t even matter if I’m hungry. Now you think I’m waiting for you to leave so I can eat I feel fat anyway.”

Brilliant eh? (sarcasm) I just have no control over what I do and say when I am in that state. 

Fat days

Most women (and plenty of men too, I imagine) have days when they feel a bit fat, ugly, spotty, short, tall etc… But most people with an eating problem will probably agree with what I am about to state:

There is NOTHING that is as strong as a fat day in an ed mindset. Your entire day is ruled by covering up, a sense of hopelessness, wishing that the world could go on pause so you didn’t have to waste so much time feeling that life is pointless. When being thin, confident and happy has so much importance in one’s life, the idea that anybody, ever, has thought you weren’t THIN is dreadful. Anybody who does not have an eating disorder should feel lucky that their idea of a “fat” day doesn’t feel like that. Rant over…

Since moving house, I have not owned a weighing scales (except for the kitchen one which is practically attached to me!) and it drives me insane sometimes. And so a measuring tape has become my new body-related obsession. I measure everything, from the width of my shoulders, to the distance between my hip bones, the length of my legs, my waist etc….As with most things, I see the unhealthy nature of this, yet I still find the habit comforting and cannot imagine life without it!

I’ve recently been speaking to a friend who also has an eating disorder, and we both concluded that the fear of not knowing who we would be or how we would cope is the one that puts us off changing the most. Would I be boring? Would I eat uncontrollably? Would I even have much of a personality left at all?

I don’t know, and I’m not sure I’m ready to find out.