New year doesn’t equal a new me.

The phrase New Year, New Me implies that the ring of midnight magically transforms us via some kind of witchcraft. In my view, the equation is more like:

New Year + Self awareness + Hard work = New Me.

It isn’t so catchy, is it? In the past, I have thought about the year gone by/ my hopes for the coming one, but never made firm resolutions. (I do however like to make a mini bucket list for the year, such as shows I want to watch, or a place I’m keen to visit)

This year I want to hold myself more accountable and make goals. Perhaps I’ve been scared of failing at my resolutions, and so held back from making any in past years. I’m open to the idea that what I want could change in the course of the next 12 months, and that’s okay. For now though, here are my first proper resolutions:

  • Pass my driving test
  • Take therapy as it comes, and know that recovery is possible if I decide that’s what I want to fully commit to
  • (Hopefully) become strong at aerial (if I like it after my first session next week!)
  • Utilise the online 12 step meetings for eating disorders. Keep going even if I feel unsure about my own desire right now
  • Do little things for myself more often- paint my nails more, do face masks, watch a favourite film…
  • Do my best. Don’t let the possibility of failing stop me from trying all of these things.

Good wishes for the last day of 2017, and a happy new year when it arrives for you

Xox

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What would being recovered be like?

The other day I was clearing out a load of stuff, and came across my overcoming anorexia book. Inside I had done some of the tasks (before I put it to the back of a drawer.. ooops), one of which was to write a letter to your eating disorder to say goodbye and imagine a recovered you that you have mentally created.

Dear eating disorder,

you have been in control of me for quite a long time now. I do see that as a friend, but I hate how stressful it can be, how much I upset other people, feeling tired all the time, and not being able to do normal things. 

I want to be able to leave home in September and feel strong and confident, and ready to face a new phase of my life positively. I am so excited to start singing, dancing and acting all day everyday, but it is also scary. I am worried that I will feel out of control and want to hold on to my eating disorder.

If I can, I want to be happy, healthy and have a nice body. I’m afraid I will become fat, but in my mind I can imagine a version of me that is recovered and NOT disgustingly overweight. When I have recovered I will have more mental and physical energy to devote to important things. I will no longer be pinned down by rigid limitations and worries that my eating disorder imposes on me. It will be acceptable to take pleasure in eating and I will no longer be this ball of emotional energy that can be sparked off into a state at the slightest comment… I want to be enjoyable company for other people, as the odd times I have felt genuine happiness and confidence around my friends have been so good. I want to feel able to think in a calm, rational, focused way most of the time.

I want to feel free, not trapped in a box where I am battling to hold on to my genuine priorities, as my eating disorder tries to push out the things I truly care about.

 

Pear, hourglass, apple, rectangle… anything seems to fat for me.

I know a couple of people who are VERY pear shaped, and even with no fat on them they still look it. I worry constantly about being pear shaped.

I took some tests on the internet and mostly come out as hourglass or rectangle. But still… one of them said pear. PANIC!

While I am standing here, typing and walking on the spot (to use up more energy), I am beginning to wonder what is the point in all of this?! I never seem to see myself as others do, and lying under the covers crying with disgust about my body just sucks… Especially, as I have mentioned before, it always leaves me feeling I have no clue what I look like at all; instead, my brain is overloaded with thoughts about feelings of being skinnier yesterday, or how much fat there is on my body to grab today. 

I get so confused and anxious that I just want to stop everything, to press a pause button on the world, to stay in until I look and feel good enough to go out. Everything becomes an effort when you fear that you will never be perfect enough.

Over time, the ups and downs balance themselves out & I end up feeling… well… numb, fat and uncertain.