I’ve realised lately that sometimes I’d rather not try, than fail. Making an excuse is easier than opening myself up to one of my big fears: failure, letting myself down, not being good enough.
An example of this is therapy. I’ve been told many times before that it’s important to try and negate what my eating disorder tells me, and to develop healthy responses. However, my feeling has always been
I can’t do the healthy thing, so I will be no good at this. What’s the point trying?
The point of trying (I learned today in my therapy session), is that it happens in steps. First of all, I need to create the brain space and give some time of day to those healthy, alternative thoughts. If I could act on them 24/7 then I wouldn’t have an eating disorder! (This was a light bulb moment 😂).
I need to get good at not being good at things. I need to be able to try, and feel ok when I can’t be perfect. Thinking about it, my eating disorder is what wants me to remain fearful of failing. That’s another way it can keep me stuck.
I hope the process of therapyI’ve just started with help me unstick ❤️
The phrase New Year, New Me implies that the ring of midnight magically transforms us via some kind of witchcraft. In my view, the equation is more like:
New Year + Self awareness + Hard work = New Me.
It isn’t so catchy, is it? In the past, I have thought about the year gone by/ my hopes for the coming one, but never made firm resolutions. (I do however like to make a mini bucket list for the year, such as shows I want to watch, or a place I’m keen to visit)
This year I want to hold myself more accountable and make goals. Perhaps I’ve been scared of failing at my resolutions, and so held back from making any in past years. I’m open to the idea that what I want could change in the course of the next 12 months, and that’s okay. For now though, here are my first proper resolutions:
- Pass my driving test
- Take therapy as it comes, and know that recovery is possible if I decide that’s what I want to fully commit to
- (Hopefully) become strong at aerial (if I like it after my first session next week!)
- Utilise the online 12 step meetings for eating disorders. Keep going even if I feel unsure about my own desire right now
- Do little things for myself more often- paint my nails more, do face masks, watch a favourite film…
- Do my best. Don’t let the possibility of failing stop me from trying all of these things.
Good wishes for the last day of 2017, and a happy new year when it arrives for you
It has been a few days since I decided to put some of the yoga class I went to into my daily life.
It’s actually going well.
I have had some early mornings, and therefore done my 20-30 minute practice in the evening, but both times of day feel good for me. I like how I feel when I’m stretching with my eyes closed, alone, with quiet, meditative music in the background. Each day so far, I’ve been glad that I made the effort.
In my dance training during term time, it can be hard to stretch effectively after a long day, but the short routine I’ve been doing could definitely work in that scenario too.
In terms of mentality I have noticed something quite significant. I’ve noticed that I set a goal (to try doing some yoga each day this week) and I’m achieving it. My usual harsh mindset could have set me up to fail. My negative voice would have required me to do at least an hour, only in the morning, adding 5 minutes a day etc etc, and any small diversion from the plan would have meant I had ruined it.
So basically all this rambling would have been explained just as well by the quote alone 😂 I saw it today, and thought it was all too well timed for me to not write about!
That’s right. 2 posts, 1 day.
I’ve never been sucked into the stats of my blog. Sure, I love getting comments and knowing I’m not alone, but my blog is just a platform for me to talk really. I’m not much good at talking about things aloud, but here I can potentially talk to anybody in the whole world.
Although I feel rough and hopeless today, it has made me question who the hell is the version of myself that I want to be?
The recovered version of me would be someone who could embrace the day upon waking, rather than the battle to move I struggle with.
She would be mentally and physically strong, always able to go the extra mile instead of being too exhausted.
She would enjoy social eating and focus on the company and not the food.
She would take time on appearance, but not out of anxiety or obsession, just because everyone deserves to feel good about themselves.
She would have the confidence to be individual without using mental illness as an excuse.
That was a therapeutic exercise… Maybe think of your own self and how you’d be if you were fully recovered
A friend of mine has a list of 10 things she wants to have done in her lifetime, and so, as a more positive post I am going to post mine on here! (They aren’t in any particular order)
1. To complete professional dance and performance course (part way there already 😉 )
2. To have a successful performing career
3. To be a dance teacher when retiring from the one above, and do this back in my home town
4. To go to America, Italy and India. (I have just always wanted to go to those places for some reason!)
5. To be able to get through the day without food, body and weight thoughts being dominant
6. To be comfortable in my own body
7. Learn Italian
8. To make the effort to hold on to my closest friends
9. Watch my favourite ballet live (Elite Syncopations, choreographed by Kenneth Macmillan)
10. To have my own choreography performed on stage