New year doesn’t equal a new me.

The phrase New Year, New Me implies that the ring of midnight magically transforms us via some kind of witchcraft. In my view, the equation is more like:

New Year + Self awareness + Hard work = New Me.

It isn’t so catchy, is it? In the past, I have thought about the year gone by/ my hopes for the coming one, but never made firm resolutions. (I do however like to make a mini bucket list for the year, such as shows I want to watch, or a place I’m keen to visit)

This year I want to hold myself more accountable and make goals. Perhaps I’ve been scared of failing at my resolutions, and so held back from making any in past years. I’m open to the idea that what I want could change in the course of the next 12 months, and that’s okay. For now though, here are my first proper resolutions:

• Pass my driving test
• Take therapy as it comes, and know that recovery is possible if I decide that’s what I want to fully commit to
• (Hopefully) become strong at aerial (if I like it after my first session next week!)
• Utilise the online 12 step meetings for eating disorders. Keep going even if I feel unsure about my own desire right now
• Do little things for myself more often- paint my nails more, do face masks, watch a favourite film…
• Do my best. Don’t let the possibility of failing stop me from trying all of these things.

Good wishes for the last day of 2017, and a happy new year when it arrives for you

Xox

Panic free, kinda.

I’ve only had one panic attack in the last 8 weeks. My ed behaviour might be the same, but I’m proud of myself for identifying and harbouring the anxious thoughts a little.
That + sunshine + my two favourite classes = a good day.

🙂

I am not depressed, I am not depressed, I am not depressed…

When I start my day, I often feel as though I won’t have the energy t get through it, and/or I won’t do well in classes.

Since term started back I have made a conscious effort to take each class one at a time, and not worry about how I feel energyless-wise. While I agree it is irresponsible in terms of my ed, it feels so much better to simply not think about it. I feel like I have actually done my best these past few days, as I am focusing on exerting all my energy and concentration into each class individually.

I feel happier from doing this- like I have made my days more manageable and the powerful sense of “everything is hopeless, I can’t face it” is more controlled. I can cope with the exhaustion while I’m in class, and once I’m done it doesn’t matter how I feel. I can come home and lie down….

Random post inspired by a friend making a list.

A friend of mine has a list of 10 things she wants to have done in her lifetime, and so, as a more positive post I am going to post mine on here! (They aren’t in any particular order)

1. To complete professional dance and performance course (part way there already 😉 )
2. To have a successful performing career
3. To be a dance teacher when retiring from the one above, and do this back in my home town
4. To go to America, Italy and India. (I have just always wanted to go to those places for some reason!)
5. To be able to get through the day without food, body and weight thoughts being dominant
6. To be comfortable in my own body
7. Learn Italian
8. To make the effort to hold on to my closest friends
9. Watch my favourite ballet live (Elite Syncopations, choreographed by Kenneth Macmillan)
10. To have my own choreography performed on stage

I was afraid of going back to bulimia, but I think I’ve stopped it. I should feel bad that I’m comforted by keeping anorexia…

I feel like I should be cross that I’m so happy about my bulimia worries not coming true. I know that is a good thing, but to me it was sorta like I went back to bingeing, laxatives, purging OR I let that one day stay in the past and continue losing. Surely my aim should be the healthy middle between the two?! Having a restrictive eating disorder shouldn’t be the right outcome of anything…

Sometimes I long for that calm, easy middle ground; instead I’m relieved to be staying disordered…. well, in some ways. I hate that I love it & I hate it for being the only way I can hope to love myself right now. I hate myself for being unable to apply the rational thoughts I have to my own behaviour. I am not stupid, yet I do things that badly contradict my intelligence. Crazy huh..

“We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.” Calvin & Hobbes

The last few days have had their challenges, but all in all, I have really enjoyed my classes. I value that I’m lucky enough to be studying what I love, but this week in particular has been great. I went to a scary appointment, coped with having a massage (hate being touched, paranoia about being fat etc) and controlled one panic situation within 2 minutes.

While I am aware that my ed does have control of me, the moments where I am able to keep myself in the moment (even if it is a bad one!) and not get ahead of myself are pretty awesome. Ultimately I am not in control of things, yet I am holding them together on a day to day basis. I am just so,so happy that my college is going well despite the things which aren’t going so brilliantly.

I know there will be negative days to balance these present positive ones, but so what? I am pleased with what I have managed to do this week… hope tomorrow finishes it off nicely 🙂

Being angry and anxious

I would usually say that I’m not an angry person- at least not at others. I basically never get cross at people, or shout, or show anything at all when I am furious on the inside. I think that all my anger ends up being aimed at myself… like today.

Somebody said a couple of things that just drove me mental this afternoon. They were needless comments, both of which linked to my ed/ self esteem and made me feel like crap. As a result I sat alone in my room and panicked.

It is times like these when I just hate the world. I want to be locked in a room until everything is gone & I end up harming myself or throwing my stuff around. Even though what was said wasn’t actually my doing, I took it out on myself by throwing my phone (which somehow didn’t break!)

At the moment I am just annoyed that I can identify the thoughts that are my illness, but seem unable to do anything about them! I feel as though I am destined to be stuck in a life where I’m regularly totally unstable and hating everything. 

All I can do is to attempt to be calm and together as every new challenge arises.

Quiet and comfortable :)

I know that free time is usually spent by socialising for people my age, but I like to use quite a bit of mine to also have time to be quiet and comfortable. When I am by myself, I don’t have to be afraid that others are staring at me, or think I’m fat.. I don’t have to feel out of place. 

This evening I have had that + my daytime hours were packed with seeing friends… good combo!

I do kinda hate that my mental illness makes it hard for me to feel normal, but a little time doing as I please, without the pressure that being around people can cause me, is soooo good.

 

Fat days

Most women (and plenty of men too, I imagine) have days when they feel a bit fat, ugly, spotty, short, tall etc… But most people with an eating problem will probably agree with what I am about to state:

There is NOTHING that is as strong as a fat day in an ed mindset. Your entire day is ruled by covering up, a sense of hopelessness, wishing that the world could go on pause so you didn’t have to waste so much time feeling that life is pointless. When being thin, confident and happy has so much importance in one’s life, the idea that anybody, ever, has thought you weren’t THIN is dreadful. Anybody who does not have an eating disorder should feel lucky that their idea of a “fat” day doesn’t feel like that. Rant over…

Since moving house, I have not owned a weighing scales (except for the kitchen one which is practically attached to me!) and it drives me insane sometimes. And so a measuring tape has become my new body-related obsession. I measure everything, from the width of my shoulders, to the distance between my hip bones, the length of my legs, my waist etc….As with most things, I see the unhealthy nature of this, yet I still find the habit comforting and cannot imagine life without it!

I’ve recently been speaking to a friend who also has an eating disorder, and we both concluded that the fear of not knowing who we would be or how we would cope is the one that puts us off changing the most. Would I be boring? Would I eat uncontrollably? Would I even have much of a personality left at all?

I don’t know, and I’m not sure I’m ready to find out.