Things I don’t usually admit.

I am someone who wants to please people. I like things to happen smoothly, without conflict or disorganisation. I hate admitting when things are wrong, and I am hardly ever able to be one hundred percent honest about my ed issues. 

So, here goes the honesty:

-I am unbelievably grateful for the opportunity I have right now: to train as a dancer and performer. I have dreamt of this since childhood, and now it is a reality. I love that my classes are almost all things I am very passionate about, and I appreciate how lucky I am to have the chance to do a job I actually enjoy. But, this means being in a girl dominated, body focused environment. I HATE how frequently people talk about food, body shapes and ed’s- especially as a lot of what is said is inaccurate! My eating disorder finds it challenging to be in a bubble where people don’t know what goes on in my head… granted, many people at home didn’t know either, but most of them had known me my whole life, and on some level were aware.

-I hate how confused I feel about my own body. I have literally no idea whether what I see is distorted or normal, which makes me enormously paranoid.

-I hate some of the people I live with in my student house.

-I hate that the end of my tether never comes, as in there is always a worse mood, worse anxiety, worse physical feelings..

-I hate how isolated I am at times. I never feel like a normal teenager.

-I hate the stress I am under at the moment. I can’t really talk about it whether ruining my anonymity, but there are too many things for me to get done in 2 days, and I wish it was done already….

Venting over. Never really say these things. I just go with the flow and take it out on myself afterward.

I was afraid of going back to bulimia, but I think I’ve stopped it. I should feel bad that I’m comforted by keeping anorexia…

I feel like I should be cross that I’m so happy about my bulimia worries not coming true. I know that is a good thing, but to me it was sorta like I went back to bingeing, laxatives, purging OR I let that one day stay in the past and continue losing. Surely my aim should be the healthy middle between the two?! Having a restrictive eating disorder shouldn’t be the right outcome of anything…

Sometimes I long for that calm, easy middle ground; instead I’m relieved to be staying disordered…. well, in some ways. I hate that I love it & I hate it for being the only way I can hope to love myself right now. I hate myself for being unable to apply the rational thoughts I have to my own behaviour. I am not stupid, yet I do things that badly contradict my intelligence. Crazy huh..