Yesterday I randomly stumbled upon my old food/thoughts diary from about 18 months ago. Reading it back I was absolutely horrified at how crazy I sound, but also filled with sadness at the fact I still think the same horrible thoughts.
“Today they told me my problem wasn’t diagonseable. She is stupid anyway, because now I am definitely going to keep going so that I can be thinner and confident and happy. I must do this, because having an eating disorder means that I am in control of myself.”
Needless to say, 3 months later I was having counselling. As it was pretty short lived (lady retired!) nothing changed in a long term fashion: here I am, a long while later and back where I was.
I still totally believe that being thin is so important that I feel unable to leave the house something, I still just sit in a dark room and cry out of hopelessness, and I still spend hours meticulously planning and calculating food.
Apart from the odd time, I can usually be this way without having perpetual panic attacks like I have done in the past… I know that takes some mental strength to change, but realistically speaking, my eating disorder does dictate my life even if I can keep the worry and madness inside my head nowadays.
I am beginning to wonder when I will accept myself without an eating problem. It feels like a part of my identity (logically I realise this isn’t true) & so the uncertainty of personality without it scares me. I am desperate to be able to be “normal” but at the same time, getting help in England is almost impossible it seems!
This morning I was looking at non-nhs options that are free for students, so I must want to get better… thing is, do I want it enough to drown out the part of me that is stuck like this?