I want to want to be better…

That sums up everything. I want to be better- but only sometimes. If I wanted to be recovered all the time then it would be so much easier override the obsessional food thoughts and behaviours. I’m tired of fighting it. 

I want to be skinnier and sicker.

I want to be happier and healthier.

I can’t have both 😦

I know my blog is full of this kind of conflicted thinking, but that is what is honest, and right now I need to something so that I can stop crying.

I am just so confused. Before I ever tried to change (aka before summer 2010) it was normal to be disordered, to restrict, to follow my exercise plan, to keep everything secret. It was actually trying to recover that led me to my first experience of bingeing, compulsive exercise and purging. Ironic eh?

Now my eating disorder is one big mess of everything: restriction, punishment, blips of binge phases for a few days and the purging the result in. The confusion of what “phase” I am in makes me constantly on edge and afraid. Of course the only option that feels safe is pure restriction, and however small or short lived a “binge blip” is, I am totally unable to cope with any deviation back to the bulimia and wind up feeling like I will never ever just settle for being normal.

I am longing to eat everything I love at the same time as wishing I could live without ever taking another bite. Food is stressful. I hate it.