I am feeling…?

Yeah. If only I knew! I generally have a hard time identifying and expressing my emotions. For me, my eating disorder becomes an outlet for these indistinguishable feelings.
In order to become less detached from my emotions I followed the advice of the wonderful Kati Morton and checked in with myself through the day. I suppose this task has taught me that feelings vary in intensity, and feeling anything is ok. Everybody has ups and downs in a day- but you have to take time to notice the changes in others. That really made me feel a bit more “normal” for a brief moment.
Happy Friday everyone 🙂

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It could be worse, but it most certainly isn’t better.

At the moment I am in a “safe” place with my eating disorder. Things stay pretty much “normal” as far as my ed behaviours go, I’m doing the same level of exercise as always, planning food as meticulously as always, and worrying just as much as always. These days, I’m usually very aware of when I’m letting my ed control me, particularly when it comes to snapping at others etc, and so I tend to just hold it all in, feeling a constant need to be polite and calm and never show how much of a fight is going on in my head.

When I lived at home, I felt guilty about shutting my family out, but atleast I could express my difficulty through isolation and cross words towards them sometimes; now I just add fuel to the self-punishment fire so to speak, as none of it gets to come out in any other way apart from through food and exercise.

I feel numb, I am still conflicted about what I want in terms of recovery, but nothing is largely going to change in that respect, as I don’t have any options apart from going it alone at the present time.

In precisely 43 minutes my marching in place will be done and I can go to bed.

Night…

Life is a great…

Life is a great and wondrous mystery, and the only thing we know that we have for sure is what is right here right now. Don’t miss it.
Leo Buscaglia

I love this quote! It is good to understand the past and the present, but the overall conclusion is that I have AN eating disorder- it shouldn’t matter which one- especially as there are very few sufferers that only ever experience one type of disorder. So I’m going to accept what I have and appreciate the good non-ed parts of my existence, however small and fleeting they sometimes are!

In response to all your kind words… :)

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to write comments on my posts- especially in the last couple of weeks. A lot of uncertainty in my general life has led me to feel a need to take even more control over my eating disoder. In some ways this is good because it has made me think long and hard about recovery; it has also made me realise that whatever the outcome of my upcoming therapy appointment, it will be a long wait (as usual) until anything drastic changes to what I’m currently having therapy-wise.

I have reached the conclusion that if you aren’t getting better, you are getting worse in some way. Every day that I allow my disorder to continue I’m making it a little more engrained in my behaviour and thinking. But the thing is I know I am not ready to change everything- maybe I never will be, but I hope to build the courage to jump in anyway! While I work relentlessly to be able to do x,y,z that my ed stops me doing now, I am counteracting that with creating stricter exercise and food plans.

After all the supportive comments I have made a decision:

I am not going to try too hard to do anything in either a positive or negative direction. If I try to recover in an unstructured way I will end up in a horrific bulimic phase like I did when my therapy stopped in the past. On the other hand, I don’t want to encourage myself to get sicker. If that happens anyway, then it will be a more gradual thing, which is more manageable (in my head.) If I am really honest with myself, things have been going on a gradual downer for a very, very long time, and as this  is unlikely to change, so I don’t need to pressure myself more than I already do in order to be sick enough to get treatment.

When the assessment for ed specific help comes around I will simply go in and be open about what has happened. Plus, I know how long the wait is for this kind of thing so I’m likely to be worse than I presently am by that point anyway.

I do believe I have the determination and self awareness to overcome my illness. I do believe that I can one day reach a place in my life where I can wake up and not be dominated by negativity about my body and food. I do believe that getting to that will be incredibly difficult, but when the chance to have more intense therapy than I presently have comes I will be able to do it. I believe that nobody can do this alone and so I will not expect that of myself- I will do what I can to be as positive as possible until the wait is over.

My blog is about being truthful and as nice as it would be for me to post all about how much I want to recover and how I’m going to wake up tomorrow and fight it, that would be a lie. For once I am proud of my ability to be both realistic and have a sense of optmism: I can’t fix it this second, but when I have access to the help required I can and will get better.

Friendship :)

“Friends are the most important ingredient in the recipe of life.”

Being home for the holidays means that I have finally had the chance to see my closest friends in the flesh again! Facebook, skype etc are brilliant, but nothing beats them actually being there 🙂

I am lucky enough to have some of the most amazing friends. Having moved into a student household, I now know that quite a lot of other people my age do not have the same bonds with people back home as I do. There are about 15 people who have all been a shoulder to cry on throughout this whole ed, anxiety, depressed mess, and I will always be so grateful to every single one of them.

Out of those, there are some who have been particularly incredible at being there for me. These are people who I could and have phoned in the early hours, who have calmed me in a panic attack over the phone, or who have provided me with an unexpected way of letting things out. The people who have literally spent hours listening to me in a hysterical state, or while analysing my own thoughts, or while having an ed vs me argument out loud, are the most fantastic people in the world.

As well as being amazing listeners and some of the most calm and supportive friends in the world, these are also people who are absolutely hilarious! I have known some of them longer than others, but I have bucketfuls of memories with all of them- some going back to childhood. The amount of words that can’t be said without bringing on the giggles and all the random stories of crazy things that have happened are thoughts I treasure every single day.

Since I began to use food as a coping mechanism and focus all my worry and self doubt onto my body there have been many days when I have woken up feeling like a waste of space. I often feel hopeless, too emotional to do anything, anxious, angry or utterly confused…

the friendships I have are sometimes the only reason worth getting up in the morning. ❤

 

My conscience is fighting my disorder.

Inside my mind at the moment there is a contest. I continue to be disordered, but I continue to want to be “normal”at the same time. I am unable to decide what I want to have happened by the end of the holidays: do I want to be tons thinner, or do I want to go back to where I am studying and say that I’ve done well to hold things stable for a while?

I have thought about it A LOT… and I don’t know.

I suppose that trying to decide the outcome is somewhat convoluted anyway, because ed’s will take their own path in the end, but still, I just wish I could be 100% comfortable with one of the options. The only problem I see with accepting my disordered behaviour and allowing it to continue, is that I feel so bad about how much I worry and hurt others. Following that trail of thought, I would be a selfish person if I didn’t fight for stability and recovery, right? But then I am not currently willing to let go of my ed. I’ve read other people’s posts about reaching a lower target weight and then gaining it back and starting again, and I too feel like I cannot permit myself to be fully recovered until it is “justified.” I know that is illogical, but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore..

“Know that you are your greatest enemy, but also your greatest friend.”

Jeremy Taylor

Emotional.

“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

The quote is from one of my favourite books in the whole world. I hope that one day I can be someone who struggled but won the battle. Right now that seems unimaginable, especially as being home with my parents makes my behaviours worse than ever. I’m in the house where it all started, with the people who I would shout at or ignore for coming in the kitchen when I was there. I don’t have a go at them any more  but that makes it worse for me, because I end up taking out those difficult emotions on myself.

On the upside, I love not having to rush in the holidays. It makes me a bit calmer.. just still nervous waiting for an important letter.