No time vs not a priority.

I have a part time job to pay my rent while I’m training as a dancer/ performer. My current job can be done from home (🙏🏻 I love my pyjamas), and so I usually have YouTube open when I’m not on the phone. 

Today was no different, until I came across an old Kati Morton journal topic that grabbed my attention. What things am I avoiding? Is it really that I lack the time, or am I not prioritising all the right things? 

I graduate soon, out into the scary (and also exciting!) unknown world, and I could be doing a one year distance learning course… That’s if I actually did the application. I realised that the reason I’m not doing it isn’t lack of time; it’s just not my priority right now. Something that should be a greater priority than it is is my Happiness Journal (super cool & you should totally follow them on Instagram and look how cool they are). I’ve done it some days, but other times I palm it off by mentally saying I don’t have time. 

What about the 3 hours it took me to fall asleep? Could have done it then. Or the 5 minutes I spent scrolling through Twitter? Could have done it then too. 

It’s so simple, but assessing if it’s my priorities that need alterations or whether I’ve got too many things already filling my time has helped me see that managing my mood needs to be prioritised. 

But, kudos to myself for actually doing my food diary. Just saying.. 

Summer update

So it’s been a while since I wrote on here. I’ve had things in my head that I wanted to blog about, but for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I think it’s hard for me to openly admit that life isn’t perfect. I wanted my update to be this inspirational post full of successes, but that is unrealistic. 
Instead, life has been changeable. Not perfect, but a journey. For the most part I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary, but that’s ok. Just spending time walking around a  garden centre with my auntie and my mum is enough. I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together so far this holiday. 

Mental health wise things have been up and down, but that’s how it goes. It’s never going to be straightforward, but for the first time I think I’m ok with that.

I always set goals for myself when summer comes and I think I’m doing alright. Again, I haven’t done all the things I said I would exactly the amount of times I planned to, but I have done them. I wanted to enjoy being with the people I love, which I am. I wanted to keep up my fitness, which I am. I wanted to care for my injured foot, which I am. 

I haven’t done everything perfectly, but I’m learning that that doesn’t mean I failed. I am working on things. Nothing happens overnight… And that’s absolutely ok. 

The future of my blog :)

It’s nothing extravagant, but I thought I’d tell you guys what and when I plan on posting from now on. 

Ive decided to have Wednesday as a general journaling day: Wednesday’s words 

Friday will be an informative post, about anything. Suggestions always welcome! Comment below if there’s anything at all you’d like to read about 🙂 for Friday Facts!

And last of all, I will post on the weekend about something that inspires or motivates me

Goodnight people

Xxx

U is for Understanding

One of the most difficult aspects of mental illness is feeling misunderstood. Everybody has a set of feelings and symptoms unique to them, making it all too easy to feel alone with your struggles. 

Personally, I hate articulating my thoughts or emotions aloud because I suck at it. I can write or type them okay, but ask me to open my mouth to another human being and you’re in trouble! The difficulty I have with speaking about things is one I imagine other people experience as well (and if you’re reading, hey there!), yet there’s another much larger problem: so many people have no clue about mental health problems anyway (a few do, this is a general point I’m making…)

How do we make people understand something they can’t see?! For me linking them to a Kati Morton video appropriate to the topic is a good one, as well as writing a letter or comparing it to something physical they have experienced themselves. To be honest though, there are some people who just won’t get it. Something I’m learning slowly is the acceptance of other people’s lack of understanding. It sucks. It’s unfair, but so is everything else in life! 

Today I am grateful that I’m doing something I love at college everyday. If you’ve had a rough day, what are you grateful for?

D is for distraction tools

Today I wanted to make a list of my favourite distraction tools that I use to help me in difficult moments. I will admit that it’s easy to say “just distract yourself” and much harder to actually do it, but it is helpful if you can get the impotus to try 🙂

In no particular order:

1. Colouring it turns out that adult colouring books exist and are very pretty! The Mindfulness Colouring Book is my current one. 

2. Cuddle a pet obviously this does require a pet to be effective… But I cuddle a teddy when there’s a lack of animals around! But seriously, giving my dogs or cats some attention makes me feel physically warm inside. It makes me feel safe and loved.

3. Watching a favourite tv series from the beginning as long as your favourite thing isn’t super serious then this one is great!

4. Enjoy the wonder that is youtube. Kati morton has amazing mental health videos on her channel (Click here to see)and I also love Grace Helbig for entertainment. She is simply hilarious. 

5. Phone somebody just chat. Listen to their stories and just separate from your own life briefly. 

6. Listen to music or even create a whole new playlist 😉

7. Write, draw,or blog about what’s on your mind 

8. Do something for yourself my favourites are buying a Costa, painting my nails or having a hot bubble bath. 

Xx 🙂

My “ED ideal”

I saw my psychiatrist today and it was the first time I’ve really ranted about situation to him. Usually I withdraw and struggle to talk, but my frustration and anger just fuelled my speech. 

I feel stuck in a mental trap. My Eating Disorder tells me I need to get really underweight in order to succeed at my disorder. Then I must maintain this perfect, tiny body by eating again. The voice tells me it’s totally possible to recover while holding on to the body it makes me strive for. 

The image in my mind is of an almost flat body. No unsightly lumps and bumps- just small everywhere. Really, the image is a child’s body… Bum not really sticking out much, slender limbs, flat stomach, a small face, no boobs.

My Eating Disorder wants me to have a child’s body that can handle an adult life. Nothing I do satisfies my goals so I remain stuck in this angry mind frame, unable to expel my feelings. 

PS. SO MANY LIKES AND NEW FOLLOWERS 🙂 thanks 🙂 especially from Seleneangst

Xxx

Is a mental illness forever?

I often feel like there are two parts to my life: my day to day activities, and then my disorders. Lots of people I see daily have no idea that I live every single day with voices in my head. 

The thoughts that surround simple decisions become so complicated, but other people have no idea that your mind doing overtime. I am always curious to know what it feels like to have no illnesses chattering away in my head. Is it possible to become free? Or does recovering just mean the thoughts lose their control over me? 

I feel that I will always have this ill voice in my mind, but I hope I won’t always actively be ill. I suppose I think a mental illness is a lifelong thing, but maybe I’m just being pessimistic given my current depression. 

What do you guys think?

Xx

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

So it’s ED awareness week which has given me the opportunity to just write about a topic that has altered my life in so many ways. 

The world is full of stigma, stereotypes and misunderstanding. A large proportion of people believe that an eating disorder is just a problem with food; something really skinny people do. Those people are utterly wrong. 

What’s important to share is that every person with an eating disorder can look different. Some disorders cause weight gain, others cause loss, and some cause constant fluctuations. Wherever your disorder takes you weight wise, there WILL be physical risks and consequences. 

An eating disorder is a problem with dealing with life shit.. Well, doctors don’t put it quite that way… Anyway, my point is that eating disorders cannot be stopped overnight because life feels uncontrollable without the dominating thoughts and behaviours to keep you feeling at ease (even if the relief is only brief)

Eating disorders have the potential to kill. Recovery is a process full of ambivalence, and although I haven’t come out the other side yet, it certainly is possible. 

You never know what those around you are going through, so be kind. 

Be aware. 

Xx

6 misunderstandings about mental illness

1. You are not alone in feeling misunderstood; most people don’t understand mental health because they’ve never experienced it.

2. “You don’t look sad/sick/anxious” etc. NOBODY exhibits external signs of their illness all the time. You can be suffering and be hiding it.

3. Everyone who has a mental illness is weak. I would argue that living with a mh condition requires a strength everyday that other people may never need in their lives.

4. You won’t ever recover. Put simply, people do turn their lives around and everyone is entitled to live healthily.

5. “You just need to take it easy”
Um… What? People say this to me a lot and it is SO ANNOYING. That implies that mental illness develops just because of stress, and that is so wrong. Your genes, upbringing and personality all play a part. A good nap is really not going to fix everything.

6. Time being ill is lost time.
I always hated the thought that I was wasting my life, but illness has taught me so much about myself, others and life in general. Hopefully in years to come I, and you, will look back on the months/years of sickness and be grateful for what we’ve gained.

Laughter really is medicine

On Friday evening I had the joy of seeing a few people from the ed group I went to. That finished in January and so I was looking forward to seeing them. I knew they were all kind, understanding women, but the evening outdid my expectations completely.
We laughed. I laughed until tears filled my eyes. We played games, shared
Jokes, and relaxed. It was just such a pleasure to have such lovely company and feel so much enjoyment. My depression and ed stop many moments of my life from being 100% in the present. It’s rare for me to be so in the moment and happy.
Thank you fate for bringing these People into my life!