E is for Eating Disorder

So I guess this letter was an easy one to find something to post about! I have so many mixed thoughts this evening, so I’m going to use this post to write a letter to my ED and vent. 

Dear friend,

I say friend because you’re always there. You make me feel special and purposeful. I can’t be lonely with you to fill my head with ideas. Like a friend, you have had a big part in shaping who I am and my opinions and views about the world. I haven’t yet figured out what your purpose is, but I know you’ve given me a way to escape some difficult emotions over the years. Instead of dwelling on my inadequacy in comparison to my siblings, or my anger at the actions of others, you’ve provided me alternative focuses: food, my body, exercise….

On the other hand you are a vile piece of crap. You have made me feel so worthless and angry that I want to die. You have destroyed my confidence and my enjoyment of social eating. You make it hard to concentrate wholly on anything because you sit there and chatter at me all day long. I would love to perform abroad, travel, someday get married and buy a house, but your goals for me are very different. You like to keep me sick by telling me I’m not sick enough. You say that once I’m underweight enough it will be acceptable to engage in recovery fully. I would never dream of talking to my friends the way you talk to me. 

You just want to fucking kill me. You want me dead. 0 pounds. 0 life. 0 feelings. That would be a winning outcome for you. But when I die, you die, so what the fuck is the point?!

I’m done with feeling this much pain all the time. I want to be allowed to laugh or smile without feeling bad about it.

I want to eat. 

Xx

Advertisements

Dear me:

Inspired by “dear bee” blog, this is my disorders words to me.

I am a series of insecurities united. I am the voice that has grown in strength since that time when you were 8 and I told you to weight out your food.
I survive on the knowledge that you need me, you don’t know what you’d do without me, that I can always fill a void or take away the pain of real life. Most of the time we are friends, because you still believe that keeping me will make you safe and happy. Sometimes you disagree with me, but normally I get my way. You aren’t selfish or angry or sneaky- that’s what I’m for. I take those feelings and let them out by punishing you until there’s no emotion left. I am your protection and an enemy. You hate me for making you feel isolated and misunderstood, but you love me for giving you something to keep your attention away from uncomfortable experiences that life outside of me has given you.
.

You know you have a messed up mind when a bit of you wants to be in hospital.

I know more than one person who has been hospitalised because of their eating disorder. For one of those people the inpatient time was only 2 weeks long. I don’t know what happened to initiate them going into hospital, but I just keep thinking that a fortnight is really not long at all, so maybe I would feel better if that happened to me…

I feel like an absolute idiot for even having the tiniest wish to go into hospital, but I can’t deny that it is there, and so I am writing to get it out. 

I have thought about this for a long time, and on days when I feel very low, having the validation of my disorder by being in hospital seems so appealing. Realistically speaking, I don’t want my life to be put on hold,.yet sometimes that is what I want more than anything else in the world. Sometimes everything just feels too much and I sit in a heap on the floor unable to do anything.

The “dream” would be to be fully eating disordered and function normally- obviously not an option- so when my issues are really getting in the way of my life, I feel like if I could finally hit the bottom of my ed then I could come back out of it and get on with being normal… The thing is, there is no bottom. There is always I way I feel I could be sicker, thinner, more depressed etc. There will always be somebody worse than me.

I guess part of my current worry, is that I am in a relatively new environment, full of people that mostly do not understand anything about any kind of mental,illness at all, and so it feels necessary and like it would be an “achievement” to prove to them that I really do have an eating disorder. 

Right now I am also waiting for one very, very important letter, which will probably determine what I’m doing for the next few years. I know that I will get this just before the end of the month. With that in mind, my focus is on hoping that it will say what I want to, so that I can relax knowing that my future is sorted out for a while. 

Once I read that letter (and if it is the outcome I hope for) then I will feel like I don’t need to keep holding things together, as I have been for the last months. If that pressure is relieved then I can relax a little.

The day I get that letter is also the day that I go home for Easter- busy time hey!? I have quite a long holiday and all I can think about is getting noticeably thinner for the new term.

Reading this all back just makes me feel silly. I know how bad it is to think like this, but right now there is so much pressure in my life that I can’t stop it. I WANT it there. I WANT to be eating disordered. I can’t let go of it now because it is the only thing I am holding on to.

If I get good news in that letter AND I lose lots over Easter, then I will tell my therapist I need the more intensive treatment option. Sorry to anyone who is reading all this non-nonsensical babbling, but hey, I wrote this to be a place to figure things out, and I have: I am as messed up as ever, I wish I weren’t, but right now I feel that I need and want to be. however much I want to get on with being normal.