I’ve realised lately that sometimes I’d rather not try, than fail. Making an excuse is easier than opening myself up to one of my big fears: failure, letting myself down, not being good enough.
An example of this is therapy. I’ve been told many times before that it’s important to try and negate what my eating disorder tells me, and to develop healthy responses. However, my feeling has always been
I can’t do the healthy thing, so I will be no good at this. What’s the point trying?
The point of trying (I learned today in my therapy session), is that it happens in steps. First of all, I need to create the brain space and give some time of day to those healthy, alternative thoughts. If I could act on them 24/7 then I wouldn’t have an eating disorder! (This was a light bulb moment 😂).
I need to get good at not being good at things. I need to be able to try, and feel ok when I can’t be perfect. Thinking about it, my eating disorder is what wants me to remain fearful of failing. That’s another way it can keep me stuck.
I hope the process of therapyI’ve just started with help me unstick ❤️
The phrase New Year, New Me implies that the ring of midnight magically transforms us via some kind of witchcraft. In my view, the equation is more like:
New Year + Self awareness + Hard work = New Me.
It isn’t so catchy, is it? In the past, I have thought about the year gone by/ my hopes for the coming one, but never made firm resolutions. (I do however like to make a mini bucket list for the year, such as shows I want to watch, or a place I’m keen to visit)
This year I want to hold myself more accountable and make goals. Perhaps I’ve been scared of failing at my resolutions, and so held back from making any in past years. I’m open to the idea that what I want could change in the course of the next 12 months, and that’s okay. For now though, here are my first proper resolutions:
- Pass my driving test
- Take therapy as it comes, and know that recovery is possible if I decide that’s what I want to fully commit to
- (Hopefully) become strong at aerial (if I like it after my first session next week!)
- Utilise the online 12 step meetings for eating disorders. Keep going even if I feel unsure about my own desire right now
- Do little things for myself more often- paint my nails more, do face masks, watch a favourite film…
- Do my best. Don’t let the possibility of failing stop me from trying all of these things.
Good wishes for the last day of 2017, and a happy new year when it arrives for you
If I disappear, it’s because I’ve turned into a giant mosquito bite. They seem to love me a lot more than I like them….
1. Sent those emails 💪🏻
2. Sorted out my contact lenses
3. Went to the gym and managed to do an ok workout (although it’s been 2 days and I miss doing my tricks and super bendy stretches cos of stupid bloody leg pain)
4. Looked at the next task in the perfectionism book
And now for tomorrow…
- Plan my short solo section for the last song
- Make a plan for my day off
I have a part time job to pay my rent while I’m training as a dancer/ performer. My current job can be done from home (🙏🏻 I love my pyjamas), and so I usually have YouTube open when I’m not on the phone.
Today was no different, until I came across an old Kati Morton journal topic that grabbed my attention. What things am I avoiding? Is it really that I lack the time, or am I not prioritising all the right things?
I graduate soon, out into the scary (and also exciting!) unknown world, and I could be doing a one year distance learning course… That’s if I actually did the application. I realised that the reason I’m not doing it isn’t lack of time; it’s just not my priority right now. Something that should be a greater priority than it is is my Happiness Journal (super cool & you should totally follow them on Instagram and look how cool they are). I’ve done it some days, but other times I palm it off by mentally saying I don’t have time.
What about the 3 hours it took me to fall asleep? Could have done it then. Or the 5 minutes I spent scrolling through Twitter? Could have done it then too.
It’s so simple, but assessing if it’s my priorities that need alterations or whether I’ve got too many things already filling my time has helped me see that managing my mood needs to be prioritised.
But, kudos to myself for actually doing my food diary. Just saying..
I reckon this blog post is long overdue as my current love for colouring is just getting bigger and bigger… Colouring is what all the cool kids do, and for those who don’t exactly feel cool when buying a colouring book then don’t worry as all savvy-publishers have craftily named their books ‘art therapy’, ‘calming […]