Passion.

Today began ordinarily: I woke up feeling tired, trudged to college, dragged myself through warm up. And then my day just kept getting better.
My whole day I had good classes and just felt inspired in each one of them. The day flew by because I felt so lucky to be spending my day loving what I’m doing.
If you’re reading, do something you enjoy today 🙂 it made the depression voices leave me be for a while.

For a wonderful person.

I write this post about somebody who is no longer alive, and had a limited grasp on technology so wouldn’t have read it anyway, but I’m gonna do it all the same!

It is not long until it is the “death anniversary” of my Nanny (never called her Grandma!) and I am thinking about her even more than usual lately. Although I had been eating disordered for some time before her passing she never knew, although she probably had a hunch I wasn’t myself. One of the things that upsets me massively is the fact that I sat doing mental calorie maths and planning when I could exercise while I sat next to her barely conscious being in her last hours.

Nobody will ever understand what an inspiration that woman is to me. She was determined and achieved her sole ambition to attend music college and later teach music and also overcame massive hurdles in her life all by herself. The day she found out that alcohol could kill her she quit. End of story. I swear that there are basically no other people in the world who could immediately force themselves to change.

Although I am too young to remember that time in her life I am so proud to be related to somebody so mentally strong. In my memory she was always cheerful, always full of enthusiasm about going here and there, arranging theatre trips for us, and always unconditionally supportive of her many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

As a training performer, she had bouts of knowledge and passion which she shared with me and she never missed anything that I was involved in. As she was such a talented person, every compliment she gave me was precious. People often told me that she spoke about me a lot and was very proud of me- nothing else could bring tears of happiness to my eyes in quite the same way.

I miss her. I’m sorry that she was not able to see where I am now and that I have got into professional training courses. She was somebody who fully understood what it is to have a passion and drive to do something like that, and so I spoke to her about it in a manner that I couldn’t anybody else. 

She was a generous, compassionate individual, who I spent many happy hours with. I wish she was here now, but as she isn’t I just wanted a space to say what I truly feel which is this:

I love her very much. I have never been so devastated as I was by her death. I will never forget what a lovely person she was and I hope that she was half as glad to know me as I am to have known her and to have had such a special relationship with her. Not many grandchildren share their grandparents passions afterall! 

Thank you for being there for me and for me encouraging me to do what I love. I will achieve my ambitions and you will be there- even just in my mind- to watch. L