The three phases of an eating disorder according to me…

Usually people consider themselves to HAVE an eating disorder, or to be RECOVERED/ RECOVERING.

My third phase is one I have named MANAGING, because right now that feels like what I am doing…. I don’t feel better about food, I’m not able to even imagine a time when I could live happily at an average size, but at the same time, I am more in control of my panic attacks and I have some days when my existence doesn’t feel pointless. I feel like I’m not about to suddenly start bingeing every day or stop eating altogether, but I am not better- merely better at having a more ‘together’ exterior.

So, is the madness being confined (mostly) to inside my head a good thing in the long run?! I guess it does mean that I can get on with my life, even if it can sometimes be incredibly difficult, but then again, do I really wish to spend the rest of my life feeling so limited by my strong thoughts and fears about food and my body?! Can anybody truly ‘manage’ an eating disorder or is it just an interim period, while my subconscious decides whether I get out or go further into this?

I couldn’t have less of  a clue if I tried…typically though, my head is telling me that I would’t have to worry if I was thinner :S