Originally posted on wehaveapples:“We all get the blues!”? You: Um, so… I can’t function on a daily basis. I’m on the floor right now, unable to move. I’ve been sobbing for so long that I can’t breathe. This is my everyday. This is NOT “the blues.”? “Just be strong and put on a smile.”?…
I saw a few people I haven’t seen for a while today. It was nice to catch up and we sat and talked for hours. One of them said “you’ve changed” which I of course associated with fatness. Thankfully , she finished the sentence with this:
“Your personality isn’t different. It’s your eyes. In your eyes you seem different. I bet you don’t have panic attacks everyday anymore”
And I don’t. I know that is mostly because I’m on medication now, but she said that the reason didn’t matter. If they help , then take them!
It got me thinking about how my mentally has changed over the course of my illness. While I have fewer panic attacks, my ed patterns are no less extreme and I still self harm. I have slightly more patience with myself and a greater understanding of my mental illnesses. All in all, I am very much in the middle of my illness, but it was nice for someone to make a positive comment about me, as the panic attacks are one bit of the puzzle that has become a little less negative.
So it’s been a while since I posted. I have so much to say that I have struggled to order anything that made any sense! So here goes:
Since my last post I’ve started on sertraline. I’ve always had this strong feeling about not taking tablets, but when I’ve started imagining my own death and thinking about ways one could die, I figured maybe the drugs are worth a shot. A bit up and down, but sometimes I am definitely feeling their positive effect.
I’m also starting to make some real progress with engaging with therapy. The thought of being weighed terrifies me so much that I’ve been discharged from treatment for lack of compliance in the past. Maybe it’s the drugs; maybe it’s me, but I’m suddenly understanding why they want me to have regular weight checks.
My cbt is taking place through the uk IAPT service. I know that usually it would just be an ed service, but because of my depression and anxiety, one of the iapt therapists has decided to see me and use an eating disorder formulation ( with additions for other issues). She is a lovely lady and I feel totally comfortable in being honest with her. I like that she will always be honest with me too – like if there’s an aspect of eating disorders that she is not 100% sure about. Most of the time though, I feel like she is helping me map my way through my thinking, and I’ve never felt so clear about how and why and when I do and think as I do.
Obviously, it is early days, and I self harmed two days ago, BUT I am beginning to have hope that I can change. Wow. That doesn’t even sound like me talking!