Day 29: mood rollercoaster.Β 

I woke up tired and irritable. A small comment from a colleague made me really defensive and rubbed me up the wrong way before the day had even started. I tried to let it go, and remember that a normal person wouldn’t even be thinking about something so silly. Today was also the last day for some of the best guests. A lovely, lovely couple, and a beautiful, funny 3 year old who got really attached to me. I was genuinely tearful saying goodbye, but I’m thankful for having met them and made memories with them. 

During the afternoon, I had a few hours off and achieved lots of things of my list. BUT I ate something that made me feel unsafe, but solved it by restricting later. Now I feel calm about it because I’m even. My workout at the gym was really good. I did a bit more than I’d planned,  and it was followed by tonight’s show. πŸ’ͺπŸ»πŸ’ƒπŸ»

From being tired, sad, grateful, tired again, pleased with myself, happy, anxious/angry, motivated and down, I feel like I’ve had all the feelings today! Everyday always features times of feeling down and thinking into whether I’m sick/not sick/sick enough/thin, fat, etc, but to me that’s normal. Those parts of my mood changes don’t shock me, but the rapid change of emotions can be difficult. 

Blabbing over. 

#5adayprogress

1. Started a list for England to do’s

2. Did well at the gym 

3. Called my friend as planned 

4. Had a sing in preparation for an audition at the end of the month 

5. Had a good think about the perfectionism book (I’m deffo stuck on the next bit)

Tomorrow I want:

  • Do something I enjoy in my afternoon gap

Day 24: “this show goes badly.”

Happy Wednesday! For me Wednesday is a busy day. Quite a few activities in the day, and a show with lots of costume changes and new parts in the evening. During a costume change, the other dancer was saying that she thinks this show is bad/ always goes badly. I HATE when people make comments like this. Surely a show is a good as you choose to do it! Now, for a brief moment I’m going to be a bit judgemental…

I go to the gym before the shows. It’s important for me to be really warm so I can do my best, and use freestyle sections to do flexibility tricks and kicks. Whenever I haven’t been to the gym, I go early to warm up. I’m always the first to arrive, and the one who knows the choreography. For me personally, this show is my weakest one, but that being said, I always want to get it right and perform well. While I can easily tell you 20 things I could have done better tonight, I do feel that this girl is judging the show instead of thinking how do I make this better? She has done acting work previously and considers her acting as her main thing, yet I can’t understand why she wouldn’t take time alone to go through things or work to do her best for herself. Maybe it’s a personality thing. Rant over. 

#5adayprogress

1. Went to the gym despite not being in a great mood beforehand

2. Did my laundry (and also forget to collect it from the laundry room for 3 hours, but shhhhh)

3. Washed my hair

4. Ate my food spread through the day 

5. Drank more water

Tomorrow I want to: 

  • Respond to the email I got today 
  • Practice a new dance ready for Friday 

Day 20. Criticism from others.Β 

I’m so glad I had today off. The lie in I had was very much needed! Anyone else feel like their bed is one of the best places ever? πŸ˜‚ 

Today I encountered some unexpected feedback from somebody and I’ve been fighting feeling negative about myself over it. For context, my second language is Spanish. I’m NOT perfect, but my whole professional life here is in Spanish, and I’m the only one for whom it isn’t my native language. My knowledge of Spanish is actually a skill that I’m quite proud of (one of few things I think I do quite well). So when I trotted in to see if a parcel had arrived and a cleaner took the mick of how I’d said something, I was offended. It made me think I’m not good enough, that the mistake was silly because I normally wouldn’t make a basic error. It made me think that I’m not fluent because I stumbled over my words today. Does her opinion matter? No. Can she speak two languages? No. Can I? Yes. Does getting tongue tied mean anything about me? Not really, but it feels like it. 

Proof I really do know Spanish:

  • Sometimes I have dreams in Spanish 
  • I often don’t really think before I speak. It comes out, just as I would in English 
  • People have told me more than 10 times since I arrived here that I speak really well, that they thought I was Spanish etc etc

These little things are times I’m realising how much of a perfectionist I am. Most people wouldn’t care over something so trivial, but my brain hates that I didn’t do it perfectly. 

Time for #5adayprogress:

1. Sent emails 

2. Spoke to my Auntie and one of my best friends 

3. Cleaned the sink

4. Booked my transfer to go and see my family soon ⭐️

5. Had a bath 

Tomorrow I want to:

  • Do my laundry
  • Plan my workout for Monday 
  • Video call my Mum 

Xoxo 

Day 15.Β 

I’m super tired today, despite having 2 naps πŸ™ˆ. I felt a bit uncomfortable around an unfamiliar face in the gym today. A woman came in who looks perfect to be. She was tiny, but toned, and I’d estimate her to be a similar age to me. Although the gym often feels like a bit of an escape from the outside world for a bit, moments like this remind me that my ED and obsessions are always there. Even when training in the gym alone, I can judge myself harshly and quickly. Being a perfectionist isn’t all it’s wrapped up to be. 

#5adayprogress

1. Of my list I achieved the following: got a key ring, sat in the sun, tried (and failed) to fix my top, spoke to a friend, and went to the gym. 
2. Ate an apple 

3. Finally sent my mum a video of my room (better late than never, right?!)

4. Tidied up 

5. Took a relaxing shower and used my favourite moisturiser 

Tomorrow I want to:

  • Get up earlier to go down for breakfast in less of a hurry before rehearsal
  • Watch some tv and read a book in my break 
  • Warm up with my own music before the show 

Day 11 (+many mosquito bites)

If I disappear, it’s because I’ve turned into a giant mosquito bite. They seem to love me a lot more than I like them….

#5adayprogress

1. Sent those emails πŸ’ͺ🏻

2. Sorted out my contact lenses 

3. Went to the gym and managed to do an ok workout (although it’s been 2 days and I miss doing my tricks and super bendy stretches cos of stupid bloody leg pain)

4. Looked at the next task in the perfectionism book 

5. Showered 

And now for tomorrow…

  • Plan my short solo section for the last song 
  • Make a plan for my day off 

Day 10.Β 

#5adayprogress

1. Sitting out on the balcony with the girls, where I’d usually stay alone in my room 

2. Feeling good about my ab workout 

3. Ordering some shorts (I’m so particular about things that this is an achievement.) making decisions is hard

4. Managing without a propranolol even though I felt anxious earlier 

5. Coping with unexpected costumes 

Tomorrow I will try:

  • Email the two places saved on my phone (should have done it today but it’s s long story why i couldn’t!)
  • Phone up about my contact lenses 

What are you going to achieve tomorrow?

Xoxo

Day 9.

I hope everybody’s week is going well so far. I’d love to hear- share in the comments if you want to ☺️

#5adayprogress

1. I ordered that gift I needed to get done 

2. I looked at where I can go to get massages- well, I started investigating, but that’s better than nothing!

*im definitely struggling to think of more…..*

3. I did a gentle stretch when I got home and tried to be calm, even though the pain is now in both my legs (hopefully it will be ok tomorrow πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»)

4. Washed my hair

5. Organised my room a bit

And now for tomorrow:

  • Email the two places I’ve got tabs open for on my phone (mainly so I can close the tabs πŸ˜‚)
  • Think of sensible things that will be kind to my sore legs to do in the improv section of one of the dances