Day 15.

I’m super tired today, despite having 2 naps 🙈. I felt a bit uncomfortable around an unfamiliar face in the gym today. A woman came in who looks perfect to be. She was tiny, but toned, and I’d estimate her to be a similar age to me. Although the gym often feels like a bit of an escape from the outside world for a bit, moments like this remind me that my ED and obsessions are always there. Even when training in the gym alone, I can judge myself harshly and quickly. Being a perfectionist isn’t all it’s wrapped up to be. 

#5adayprogress

1. Of my list I achieved the following: got a key ring, sat in the sun, tried (and failed) to fix my top, spoke to a friend, and went to the gym. 
2. Ate an apple 

3. Finally sent my mum a video of my room (better late than never, right?!)

4. Tidied up 

5. Took a relaxing shower and used my favourite moisturiser 

Tomorrow I want to:

• Get up earlier to go down for breakfast in less of a hurry before rehearsal
• Watch some tv and read a book in my break 
• Warm up with my own music before the show 

Day 11 (+many mosquito bites)

If I disappear, it’s because I’ve turned into a giant mosquito bite. They seem to love me a lot more than I like them….

#5adayprogress

1. Sent those emails 💪🏻

2. Sorted out my contact lenses 

3. Went to the gym and managed to do an ok workout (although it’s been 2 days and I miss doing my tricks and super bendy stretches cos of stupid bloody leg pain)

4. Looked at the next task in the perfectionism book 

5. Showered 

And now for tomorrow…

• Plan my short solo section for the last song 
• Make a plan for my day off 

Day 10.

#5adayprogress

1. Sitting out on the balcony with the girls, where I’d usually stay alone in my room 

2. Feeling good about my ab workout 

3. Ordering some shorts (I’m so particular about things that this is an achievement.) making decisions is hard

4. Managing without a propranolol even though I felt anxious earlier 

5. Coping with unexpected costumes 

Tomorrow I will try:

• Email the two places saved on my phone (should have done it today but it’s s long story why i couldn’t!)
• Phone up about my contact lenses 

What are you going to achieve tomorrow?

Xoxo

Day 9.

I hope everybody’s week is going well so far. I’d love to hear- share in the comments if you want to ☺️

#5adayprogress

1. I ordered that gift I needed to get done 

2. I looked at where I can go to get massages- well, I started investigating, but that’s better than nothing!

*im definitely struggling to think of more…..*

3. I did a gentle stretch when I got home and tried to be calm, even though the pain is now in both my legs (hopefully it will be ok tomorrow 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻)

4. Washed my hair

5. Organised my room a bit

And now for tomorrow:

• Email the two places I’ve got tabs open for on my phone (mainly so I can close the tabs 😂)
• Think of sensible things that will be kind to my sore legs to do in the improv section of one of the dances 

Day 8.

I feel tired tonight, so no blabbing about life today, just straight to the good bits! #5adayprogress

1. I ate more veg with my dinner, as I wanted to

2. I did the workout I’d planned 

3. Doing relaxing and productive things during my free afternoon

4. Logging my food in recovery record even though I’m tired 

5. Went food shopping 

And now to think to tomorrow:

• Look into somewhere I can get treatment on my leg (pain due to scar tissue from old injury #dancerlife)
• Order that present that I have put off doing for 2 days 

Hope you all had a good day xoxox

Day 6.

Happy weekend! I had the day off today, so I spent some time enjoying the sun and doing things as and when I felt like it. Tomorrow at work is a less intense day, which feels like a good way to break myself in to the week! 

My biggest concern right now is calorie intake. Let’s elaborate: there’s an amount that I ate several years ago, and while doing so I maintained a low weight. I don’t want to trigger anybody with numbers, but I will say that this figure is actually not that low. There are people on diets who eat less! However, as I’m not eating quite that amount at present, I’m afraid that I’d get bigger if I did, even though in theory any amount of restriction should amount to weight loss. While my therapist is away, i want to work hard on the perfectionism stuff we are doing, but I also want to be “thin enough” when she comes back too. It feels like I could warrant fully engaging in dietary changes then. I am already trying to stick to the structure of eating regularly, though equally trying to hold on to controlling the amount. 

Time for #5adayprogress!

1. Bothering to post even though it’s hard for me to see a day off as a time when I would succeed or achieve with anything!

2. Buying a facial wash and taking 5 minutes to do it

3. Trying to drink lots of water in this heat 

4. Doing 10 minutes on the cross trainer 

5. Having a shower 

Day 4.

Hey everyone! Today was a busy day. I was challenged by having to watch videos from rehearsals this morning, which makes my body comparison game all the more confusing. After rehearsal I had my usual day, but it was 30 degrees which made it seem harder 😂. I had a show tonight, which I preceded with a gym session (and my box of protein bars arrived today. BUZZINGGGGG). I’m always critical about some part of the show, but that’s normal for me. I want to better every time. 

Time for #5adayprogress:

1. Trying a workout I saw online and  doing all 5 rounds 

2. Eating my dinner even though I kept thinking I didn’t feel like it 

3. Drinking more water 

4. Dragging myself to breakfast despite really wanting to hit the snooze button a few more times 

5. Completing this post for 3 days in a row 

GP trip (cos I’m fun and exciting)

Since returning to England and finding my way in a new city, I’ve had a register at a new doctor in order to get my meds. I’ve now had 2 appointments with the same GP, and she has given me lots of info on mental health help in my area, taken time to ask me questions, and prescribed my medication. However, today she asked to weigh me. I’m so paralysed by this fear that I couldn’t even speak. I was trying to but sentences weren’t actually coming out of my mouth. She let me tell her why I can’t, and she didn’t force it on me, but it really brought up some pretty crappy memories to be honest. 

I leave for my new contract in 9 days, and the GP asked me today if I thought I am well enough to go. Obviously I said yes, because what’s the point in giving up an opportunity and sitting about at home? As my departure gets nearer I’m finding silly little nerves popping up, so to settle my mind I’m gonna make a little list:

Positives about the new job:

• Chance to see a lovely place
• I will be dancing 4 nights a week
• Having my own space, and being out of my parents way! 
• Earning a decent wage 
• Fewer daytime hours than previously 
• Near the beach!
• Being near some of my friends from before (hopefully!)

Nerves/negatives about the new job:

• Worry of people not liking me
• Worry of the choreography being too hard/easy for me
• Worry that the uniform will make me look fat (yes. That has been a real thought in my head.)
• Being away from home, and the natural moments of missing my favourite people from time to time 

These are probably my main pros and cons, and let’s face it the positives list is a much better read 😂 I just need to focus on all the excitement things that could happen instead of worrying it will all go wrong #anxietystruggs

Xoxo

Getting ready to move.

On Tuesday afternoon I fly to the Canary Islands to start my first professional dance contract. I’m going to be living abroad for 6 months, and my family are moving away from my childhood home and to a different city in the next month or two. It’s strange to think that my home won’t be home when I return. 

In amidst saying goodbye to the town I grew up in, I’ve been packing my suitcases and thinking about what’s to come. I can’t believe I’ve got a dance job, but I’m also nervous about the daytime activities I will be doing, as there are some types of fitness classes etc which I haven’t had to teach before. I know my rough schedule, although I don’t know how my induction period is going to work, or how quickly I will be thrown in. The control freak in me doesn’t like that 😂

I have therapy tomorrow which I’m glad about, however the homework was hard and it feels like there’s gonna be tonnes to talk about tomorrow! 

For now it’s my penultimate sleep in my childhood bedroom 💜❤️

What makes a house a home?

As I’m not yet old enough or rich enough to have my own home, I have lived in student houses and am now looking at job prospects where you live in shared accommodation, rather than a more “normal” job where you would be living in your own flat/ renting a place. All this has got me thinking about which of my possessions make me feel at home wherever I am.

My fairy lights: the soft glow makes me feel relaxed and I will always picture them in the first place they were ever put in my bedroom!

My iPad: part of my routine when I arrive home at the end of the day is to use my iPad to listen or watch something I enjoy. Having choice over what I watch makes me feel like it’s my space and my time to unwind. 

Teddies: my teddies all have a story about why they are special. I like feeling surround by those happy memories. 

Lavender oil: crazy as it sounds, I’m so attached to different scents. Lavender in particular is one I love. Anyone else ever feel like a smell transports them to somewhere in their mind?

My colouring book: because I’m a big kid who likes making pretty stuff. 

Cosy pyjamas: nothing makes me feel at home more than the ability to wear my comfy pjs the second I’m through the door. Pyjamas are essentially my house clothes. Lol at me. 

Cards and photos: I love getting post, and I have a ribbon with tiny pegs that display my cards and photos. I have put up a selection of these in every room I’ve lived in. 

Bedtime privacy: feeling at home means the wifi connects automatically and I can lay in bed typing a blog, watching a video and/or listening to a podcast. I also love being alone for a short time before bed. This gives me time to be selfish for a bit and do whatever I want. 

What do you like to have around you?

Xoxo