Dietitians, the fat feeling & overthinking central.

I have some goals with my food intake that I’m doing my best to achieve. I’m honestly finding that each day is different. Sometimes I can wake up and eat a full breakfast and feel ok, but other days I’m too uncomfortable with the amount of calories in the meal to eat it. I’ve already realised that I’m soooo used to living in a hungry state, and when I have eaten my breakfast I have fewer thoughts about food and cravings in the following hours. Who would have thought that maybe, just maybe, people who eat normally don’t spend their whole lives overanalysing food? LOL AT MY LIFE 

Today was predominantly very relaxing and equally productive, until a worry came in and brought along with it the fat feeling. Basically any emotion has the power to make me feel fat, and feeling fat then makes me feel angry & disappointed in myself for being as imperfect and flabby as I am. Nothing and nobody can calm my feelings of fatness, and unfortunately that’s just the way it is. 

Do any of you relate to feeling fat? How do you handle it? 

When I get stuck in thought cycles about my body, I find it such a challenge to stop overthinking. This has always been a trait of mine, but it’s been exaggerated by OCD. Fingers crossed the feelings are so strong in the morning

Night xoxo

Colouring for Calm

I reckon this blog post is long overdue as my current love for colouring is just getting bigger and bigger… Colouring is what all the cool kids do, and for those who don’t exactly feel cool when buying a colouring book then don’t worry as all savvy-publishers have craftily named their books ‘art therapy’, ‘calming […]

https://dearestsomeone.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/colouring-for-calm/

Sh*t People Say to People with Mental Illness (Reblog)

Originally posted on wehaveapples:“We all get the blues!”? You: Um, so… I can’t function on a daily basis. I’m on the floor right now, unable to move. I’ve been sobbing for so long that I can’t breathe. This is my everyday. This is NOT “the blues.”? “Just be strong and put on a smile.”?…

https://dearestsomeone.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/sht-people-say-to-people-with-mental-illness/

M is for Mental Illness

Today I have really felt dominated by thoughts about food, my body, or sleep. It seems that my disorder has become who I am and I’m afraid of all the time I would have without it. 

Reading that makes me kinda… Empty I suppose. Like should my life be that way? Is that what I want, or what my ED wants? Most likely the latter. 

So what does mental illness mean to me? Mental illness is an energy-sucker. It takes away my sense of normality and of having joy be a common, as opposed to rare, fleeting part of life. Mental illness is complex and experience uniquely from person to person. It’s often overlooked by others because the internal feelings of crushing uselessness and failure aren’t visible to them. Mental illness makes you feel inadequate, yet somehow feels like a friend who can keep some familiarity in a world of unpredictable change.

What does it mean to you guys?

Xxx

I is for Introvert

I have been reading the book Quiet by Susan Cain recently. She has studied the role of nature and nurture on personality, and writes in detail about what introversion and extroversion really are. 

I used to think that my lack of interest in large social events was just my depression or ed talking, but the book has made me see that it’s simply who I am. Introverted doesn’t mean stupid, uncaring or shy. I actually care deeply about the circle of close people in my life, but I only enjoy seeing them in a quiet, sober, countryside walk kind of environment. 

I really believe that having a mental illness teaches you more than you can imagine about yourself. Long periods of depression make happy times so much more previous and vivid I think. 

Today I’m going to make a list for my brain about things I know about myself:

1. I have no patience!

2. I like small group social activities

3. I hate feeling overstimulated. Too much noise, too many people, two things playing over each other etc make me uncomfortable. 

3. I am a thinker. I think about everything in a lot of detail. 

4. I am a perfectionist. 

5. I can get bored quickly and crave something to challenge my mind. 

6. I love physical activity. 

7.  I can work in a group, but I feel at ease when I can do things uninterrupted and in my own way. 

8. I hate odd numbers so I had to write this one to make it even!!

I’m still waiting

I feel like I am always waiting to be thin enough. Ever since I gained weight from developing bulimia during my anorexia “recovery” I have been longing for thinness. Of course, those around me thought my weight gain was great… I however thought I was the most disgusting failure.
I know I’ve lost weight consistently for several months now. Others have noticed it. But because people know I have an ED, it’s different to before. Nobody says I’m too thin or whatever because they already know my problem. It’s fucking annoying.
I’m waiting for outside validation that my body is unhealthily thin. That time has gone. People are aware of my ED, so I’m just waiting. Waiting to disappear it feels like.
At the same time I am challenging myself and working on some aspects of recovery… Just not the weight bit.
It’s the same old dilemma.

Sometimes I need listeners.

It is a well known fact that complete recovery from a mental illness requires motivation and action which only the sufferer can give. Lots of people struggle; lots of those people won’t get better.
I was diagnosed with OCD not long ago. If I could wake up free of it tomorrow, I wouldn’t hesitate.
Ditto my depression.
Ditto panic attacks.
But my eating disorder is…. Special. It’s special in the sense that it feels like it is my own, unique possession. I have known that voice in my mind for a very long time. I have also had my weight be a symbol of my worth and happiness since as young as 8 years old.
Having an eating disorder makes you feel like you are doing something. It fills your mind, your time, your dreams. You want to be recovered and have a new and wonderful life, but not until you have “succeeded” at sickness.
It’s confusing, painful, and tiring.
Every day I listen to endless self critical thoughts while constantly checking whether or not each body part is getting smaller. I like everything that normal people hate: feeling my bones, not having big boobs, only having a small amount covering my skeleton.
My obsession with controlling my life and my happiness using food and my body is a constant source of emotional pain, but I have some incredible friends in my life.
I know there are a handful of kind, loving people who will always be there for me, no exceptions. I might FEEL alone, but I am cared for. I am lucky to have the best friends in the world to simply listen. They can’t fix me when I’m not sure about recovery, but they are there. Always with kind words, or even something to make me laugh. I hope I give them the love they are always offering to me.

Greetings 2015!

I like the psychological new beginning that a new year brings, but in reality I feel the same both at 11.59 and 00.01. 😂 Anyway, this post is just my own summary of the good, the bad, and the random that 2014 had for me.

THE GOOD.
As a passionate hater of being cold, my year was naturally improved by the lack of snow in January. It was unusually sunny on my birthday in March, and a heatwave followed!
I saw some amazing shows in London and spent quality time with the friends I went with.
I committed to watching kati morton on YouTube everyday and now question what I did with my life beforehand…
I was able to visit family abroad and feel so lucky to have that time.
My housemate changed for the better. I now live with someone who knows me better than I know myself at times. She is caring, supportive and hilarious. We have the best time together and I’m grateful everyday to have such a wonderful friend.
I reached the halfway point of my 4 years of training, finishing with a summer show that I really enjoyed.
My summer was full of friends, family and cuddling my pets… Perfect.
I am lucky enough to do what I love everyday during term time.
I came home for Christmas and spent it with my family.

THE BAD.
Family dramas are always harder when you aren’t there to help. I learned this the hard way. Many tears were shed.
I ended up at the hospital after my mentalness got the best of me.
My former housemate became a nightmare to live with.
I got hurt by people because of my inability to say words when I’m angry.
Medication withdrawal sucks.

THE RANDOM.
I discovered an excellent pair of Christmas socks in my old bedroom.
I hit my head on the car boot door by accident.
I won a pointless quiz and sadly never got a prize.

Happy new year!!!!

Thursday tips: Anxiety

Nobody is probably going to read this, but I’ve thought about having a day each week to devote a post to positive content. I want to spread useful info, and be able to use my blog to express things I’ve personally learned along my journey.

So. Anxiety.
Anxiety sucks. It really makes you feel useless. You can’t escape, you can’t control it, you feel something that most people don’t feel anything about.
Whatever your anxiety focuses on, I’ve learned that it builds up quietly. Recognise yourself overthinking, perhaps feel a bit flustered, or whatever the signs are for you.

When anxiety strikes I do one of these:
1. Breathe in for 3, out for 4 (or anything with a longer exhale than inhale)
2. Write down every anxious thought and throw the paper away
3. Think of a calm place. Imagine the details. Describe the colours of things in your mind. Count how many trees (insert your own) there are.

Anxiety is adrenaline; it feels so intense, but the reality is calm. Know that anxiety physiologically WILL pass. The body naturally lowers anxiety levels.

Xx

Defeated

Today sucked. Well, most of it did anyways. My doctor tried to tell me that my thoughts and feelings are more important than her weighing me all the time. I see that my illness is mental at its core, but all that did was make me think she must believe I’m not thin enough to be a worry.
Fuck everything.
I’m tired of people telling me that I’m so smart and so they don’t know how I am so blind about my ed. But I think I’m seeing clear as daylight. I know what people really mean; I’m not fooled by it. Nobody thinks the physical side of my ed is serious and/or obvious. Well that’s just a pile of shit. I’ve wasted all these years and effort for it to be nothing? When will I be thin enough to be able to accept that I need to change?
Never.
Because history shows me I suck at my eating disorder. I’m probably just wishing I had one and imagining my suffering.
I’m so confused, angry, sad and hopeless right now. Why is it so painful.