A difficult point.

I am at a really tough place in my illness at the moment. I spend time (invountarily) thinking about self harm, calories, food, weight, my worth, my insecurity, my anxiety, and whether I’d be better off dead. 

After beginning to think things like “why don’t I just walk into this road and die,” I got prescribed antidepressants. So far, nothing is particularly different, as they take a while to kick in.

In a CBT session today  I had to talk about negative experiences I had when growing up. Of course, these included things like a period of having multiple panic attacks a day, or my lowest/ highest weights, when I first self harmed etc. The therapist said it sounded as though I wasn’t at my worst in some ways at the present moment. 

I disagree.

I am more mature. When I panic now, I know what a panic attack is, as opposed to the early days in my anxiety when I had no clue what was happening to me. And in terms of my ed, everything is habitual. Sure, it is stressful. but those around me know me as the “me” I am WITH my ed, which makes me appear more normal that I actually am.

I am not better. I am in a horrendous mind frame. I am sick of wasting my life. I am so happy to be pursuing my dream career, but I am speechlessly unhappy with the way that my feeling and emotions are tainting that. I constantly think that I need to be in a mental unit. I can’t live my life like this.

Being alone with my brain

At the end of the day, I like nothing more than being able to be by myself. Sometimes this is a good way to unwind and chill out, but mostly it just becomes time for the other voice in my head to take over. For some reason I relish in this time I have to “be alone with it.” How weird and messed up is that?!

Despite everything negative that it brings on me, there is still the little bit of control, comfort and “supportive friend” that it gives me. I know that  it is more of a bully in reality, as most of the time my issues with food stop me doing things or make me physically incapable of doing things, yet here I am… planning meals… thinking about which bones I can see more today… again.