1. Loving food
What a lot of people find hard to understand, is just how obsessed you can be with food, in spite of being totally determined to control it. While I count calories, weigh food, and generally spend almost my whole day calculating the exact amount of exercise I need to do to earn the food I have planned for the day, I LOVE food. I love to cook, I love to read recipes or calories books, I love to bake cake, I love to watch anything food related.
In my head, I plan meals and dinners that I would never eat, and I love seeing other people eat the unhealthy foods that I wouldn’t indulge in myself (apart from when deprivation turns into a frantic “binge”, or what feels like one even if it isn’t in calorie terms.)
I guess that I have always loved food; always been one to find something I liked a lot, and then go through phases of constantly eating whatever my favourites were at the time. My eating disorder has definitely heightened my feelings about food, but I have, on some level, always had quite specific likes and dislikes.
Now I think about it, perhaps it is my love of food that has helped trigger my disorder. If you’re going to punish yourself, they you deprive yourself of something you love, right?
2. Mental illness and getting on with life all at once
I feel extremely negative, down, angry and/or tearful on a regular basis. Sometimes it is just for a snippet of the day, and other times my utter hopelessness dominates lengthy periods of time. I have stayed in the house for days because of these feelings, yet I always seem to manage to shove it all to the back of my mind and carry on with life. My depression, anxiety, and eating issues have not taken away everything from my life, but they are so mentally overwhelming, that I am unable to devote a minute to anything without all of that crap being there too. I am perpetually waiting for one of the “outburst” days/hours to come- and they do, frequently.
At the moment, I keep finding myself google searching medication for depression and anxiety, so I must know I have problems but I simultaneously find myself thinking that I’m just a weak idiot and/or that there are so many people who are properly depressed or anxious and I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I know somebody who is currently in a mental health unit in hospital. Of course, this saddens me because this person is lovely, but I’m also having a weird feeling of jealousy. What the hell? I don’t know whether that is because I feel desperate for help, desperate for somebody to just get me out of the not knowing whether I’m “ill” or not, or just because if I were to be inpatient then nobody would disbelieve I have problems (not that anybody has told me they think I’m a liar.)
So. very, confused…
3. Mood swings
I am beginning to wonder whether it is normal to feel intensely irritated/irritable, cross and sad 5 minutes before feeling almost hyper with bubbliness. Weird times.