“Binges” (air quotes explained below…)

Today I FELT like everything food-wise fell apart. For most of the day, things were going well- meaning I felt unattached to my surroundings due to fatigue and headaches from lack of energy…But then, out of nowhere came a burning desire to eat. At first I felt powerful in overriding my longings for food, but my hunger (emotional and physical) overtook.

Not very anorexic sounding really, is it? But frankly, this is the truth of having an eating disorder.

So anyway, I ate.

Because I had spent so long being determined to shut the idea of eating out of my head, it felt like a binge, despite the fact it was not excess calories. I find it weird that I don’t remember when my brain began registering “normal” calories as too much… it just happened. 

As I am writing and rationalising my day, I still feel like the only answer is to keep marching on the spot, just as I always do. I simply cannot come to terms with how the hell it is possible for me to have the intelligence to know this is crazy, yet feel consoled by obsessively exercising and compelled to carry on?! In my mind, the only way is to “settle” the calories before I sleep…

I love food (sort of)…

The average citizen usually assumes that anybody with an eating disorder simply doesn’t want to eat. I do want to eat, and whatever amount I am eating I like to prepare and eat it in my own perfectly organised fashion.

For me, this means cooking it to the precise minute, weighing it all out accurately, cooking alone, eating with matching cutlery, eating alone &  eating slowly. Although I can sometimes become afraid of gaining/ not losing enough weight whatever my intake is, I have a sort of love for eating in this obsessive kind of way.

A Christmas present to myself this year is going to be asking to eat alone… they said I can do whatever makes me happiest.