My purpose.

I’m currently reading the Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) big book and workbook. I’ve done my step 1 work, and have started on step 2, in which I need to find a purpose or power bigger than myself to keep my focus and give me strength. For some this might be God, but I’m not religious. There are several suggestions and explanations, though nothing has struck me as the one just yet!

Fate and the idea of the universe rewarding hard work are some ideas I’ve thought of. My purpose needs to be more than to be a performer (I think), as it needs to be something to remind me that I’m a tiny part of the world when I’m sucked into spiralling thoughts, and to motivate me to be my best.

It’s not recommended to use being a good daughter/Mum/girlfriend etc, so I need to do some thinking about myself. What makes me feel truly connected to the world? What can be stronger than my fears day in, day out?

πŸ€” *any experience with this is welcome!*

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Adaptability and patience.

As usual, I’ve had the desire to write but not enough to say/motivation to do it umpteen times. At last, I’m actually posting.

The past year has shown me that I am very adaptable. I’ve moved countries twice, and returned in the middle to a new family home in a new city (that I’d never seen). Those kind of big changes are always going to have some challenges, but I was able to ride out the initial discomfort and prove to myself I could do it. Patience with myself isn’t something I find easy. In fact, I’m one of the least patient people I know.

The problem with having a problem with patience, is that in life we are always waiting for something. Be it a job, a partner, Christmas, or the arrival of a parcel, it could be easy to constantly feel impatient about something.

My current feeling of discomfort and lack of patience is tangible. I’m awaiting to hear back from an audition, while also waiting to hear back from my therapist about whether I need more intensive treatment. A great combination, huh? I don’t know yet how I feel. My tiredness from my last contract plus years of ED tiredness means a next job seems daunting. Am I in a place right now where I can do it? Would a rejection be a blessing in disguise? Deep down do I want more intensive treatment? You don’t know? Me either πŸ˜‚

My point is, I can mull it over a thousand times, but until I’m presented with all the choices it’s just my impatience and anxiety wasting my energy. I need to make a promise to myself to enjoy being at home, adapting back to family life, and do proactive things (however small).

Day 11 (+many mosquito bites)

If I disappear, it’s because I’ve turned into a giant mosquito bite. They seem to love me a lot more than I like them….

#5adayprogress

1. Sent those emails πŸ’ͺ🏻

2. Sorted out my contact lenses 

3. Went to the gym and managed to do an ok workout (although it’s been 2 days and I miss doing my tricks and super bendy stretches cos of stupid bloody leg pain)

4. Looked at the next task in the perfectionism book 

5. Showered 

And now for tomorrow…

  • Plan my short solo section for the last song 
  • Make a plan for my day off 

Day 4.

Hey everyone! Today was a busy day. I was challenged by having to watch videos from rehearsals this morning, which makes my body comparison game all the more confusing. After rehearsal I had my usual day, but it was 30 degrees which made it seem harder πŸ˜‚. I had a show tonight, which I preceded with a gym session (and my box of protein bars arrived today. BUZZINGGGGG). I’m always critical about some part of the show, but that’s normal for me. I want to better every time. 

Time for #5adayprogress:

1. Trying a workout I saw online and  doing all 5 rounds 

2. Eating my dinner even though I kept thinking I didn’t feel like it 

3. Drinking more water 

4. Dragging myself to breakfast despite really wanting to hit the snooze button a few more times 

5. Completing this post for 3 days in a row 

GP trip (cos I’m fun and exciting)

Since returning to England and finding my way in a new city, I’ve had a register at a new doctor in order to get my meds. I’ve now had 2 appointments with the same GP, and she has given me lots of info on mental health help in my area, taken time to ask me questions, and prescribed my medication. However, today she asked to weigh me. I’m so paralysed by this fear that I couldn’t even speak. I was trying to but sentences weren’t actually coming out of my mouth. She let me tell her why I can’t, and she didn’t force it on me, but it really brought up some pretty crappy memories to be honest. 

I leave for my new contract in 9 days, and the GP asked me today if I thought I am well enough to go. Obviously I said yes, because what’s the point in giving up an opportunity and sitting about at home? As my departure gets nearer I’m finding silly little nerves popping up, so to settle my mind I’m gonna make a little list:

Positives about the new job:

  • Chance to see a lovely place
  • I will be dancing 4 nights a week
  • Having my own space, and being out of my parents way! 
  • Earning a decent wage 
  • Fewer daytime hours than previously 
  • Near the beach!
  • Being near some of my friends from before (hopefully!)

Nerves/negatives about the new job:

  • Worry of people not liking me
  • Worry of the choreography being too hard/easy for me
  • Worry that the uniform will make me look fat (yes. That has been a real thought in my head.)
  • Being away from home, and the natural moments of missing my favourite people from time to time 

These are probably my main pros and cons, and let’s face it the positives list is a much better read πŸ˜‚ I just need to focus on all the excitement things that could happen instead of worrying it will all go wrong #anxietystruggs

Xoxo

Getting ready to move.Β 

On Tuesday afternoon I fly to the Canary Islands to start my first professional dance contract. I’m going to be living abroad for 6 months, and my family are moving away from my childhood home and to a different city in the next month or two. It’s strange to think that my home won’t be home when I return. 

In amidst saying goodbye to the town I grew up in, I’ve been packing my suitcases and thinking about what’s to come. I can’t believe I’ve got a dance job, but I’m also nervous about the daytime activities I will be doing, as there are some types of fitness classes etc which I haven’t had to teach before. I know my rough schedule, although I don’t know how my induction period is going to work, or how quickly I will be thrown in. The control freak in me doesn’t like that πŸ˜‚

I have therapy tomorrow which I’m glad about, however the homework was hard and it feels like there’s gonna be tonnes to talk about tomorrow! 

For now it’s my penultimate sleep in my childhood bedroom πŸ’œβ€οΈ

The worst thing is waiting.Β 

I admit it, this is hard.

I graduated from a professional performing arts college in mid- July. I’m now attending auditions, trying to keep up my skills and working towards getting that golden first job. The worst thing is that you can’t control when that time is going to come, because sometimes you get cut in the first round because of how you look, or because of some reason that doesn’t relate to ability that you’ll never be told about. I could be too short for one thing, too tall for another- it’s luck of the draw (and sometimes there aren’t any clear guidelines so you have to turn up and find out if it’s for you or not!)

In some ways I like the responsibility of my own fitness and health and life in general, but equally, it’s a heavy load. It isn’t as easy to work on your split leaps as it is to keep up an academic skill leve, I don’t know, like a maths degree or something!

Right now I’m sat in a Starbucks feeling a bit crappy. They made my  frappucino taste like shit and I just received an email from an audition to let me know I didn’t get the part. Although I don’t have huge confidence in my abilities, I do have huge passion. I know I really want a performing job; and I also know that patience is not my strong point. Perhaps something better is on the cards, but it’s difficult to feel positive when you have no idea what and when your path will head in a direction you’re aiming for.

I won’t ever get feedback to know why something didn’t go in my favour  (which does make it feel less personal I suppose) but also leaves my mind free to wander! How invested I feel in each potential job varies according to how much warning and preparation there was for it. It’s easier to let it go when it hasn’t been on my mind beforehand for very long. 

Rambling over. 

#performerslifr