I’m currently reading the Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) big book and workbook. I’ve done my step 1 work, and have started on step 2, in which I need to find a purpose or power bigger than myself to keep my focus and give me strength. For some this might be God, but I’m not religious. There are several suggestions and explanations, though nothing has struck me as the one just yet!
Fate and the idea of the universe rewarding hard work are some ideas I’ve thought of. My purpose needs to be more than to be a performer (I think), as it needs to be something to remind me that I’m a tiny part of the world when I’m sucked into spiralling thoughts, and to motivate me to be my best.
It’s not recommended to use being a good daughter/Mum/girlfriend etc, so I need to do some thinking about myself. What makes me feel truly connected to the world? What can be stronger than my fears day in, day out?
🤔 *any experience with this is welcome!*
As usual, I’ve had the desire to write but not enough to say/motivation to do it umpteen times. At last, I’m actually posting.
The past year has shown me that I am very adaptable. I’ve moved countries twice, and returned in the middle to a new family home in a new city (that I’d never seen). Those kind of big changes are always going to have some challenges, but I was able to ride out the initial discomfort and prove to myself I could do it. Patience with myself isn’t something I find easy. In fact, I’m one of the least patient people I know.
The problem with having a problem with patience, is that in life we are always waiting for something. Be it a job, a partner, Christmas, or the arrival of a parcel, it could be easy to constantly feel impatient about something.
My current feeling of discomfort and lack of patience is tangible. I’m awaiting to hear back from an audition, while also waiting to hear back from my therapist about whether I need more intensive treatment. A great combination, huh? I don’t know yet how I feel. My tiredness from my last contract plus years of ED tiredness means a next job seems daunting. Am I in a place right now where I can do it? Would a rejection be a blessing in disguise? Deep down do I want more intensive treatment? You don’t know? Me either 😂
My point is, I can mull it over a thousand times, but until I’m presented with all the choices it’s just my impatience and anxiety wasting my energy. I need to make a promise to myself to enjoy being at home, adapting back to family life, and do proactive things (however small).
If I disappear, it’s because I’ve turned into a giant mosquito bite. They seem to love me a lot more than I like them….
1. Sent those emails 💪🏻
2. Sorted out my contact lenses
3. Went to the gym and managed to do an ok workout (although it’s been 2 days and I miss doing my tricks and super bendy stretches cos of stupid bloody leg pain)
4. Looked at the next task in the perfectionism book
And now for tomorrow…
- Plan my short solo section for the last song
- Make a plan for my day off
Hey everyone! Today was a busy day. I was challenged by having to watch videos from rehearsals this morning, which makes my body comparison game all the more confusing. After rehearsal I had my usual day, but it was 30 degrees which made it seem harder 😂. I had a show tonight, which I preceded with a gym session (and my box of protein bars arrived today. BUZZINGGGGG). I’m always critical about some part of the show, but that’s normal for me. I want to better every time.
Time for #5adayprogress:
1. Trying a workout I saw online and doing all 5 rounds
2. Eating my dinner even though I kept thinking I didn’t feel like it
3. Drinking more water
4. Dragging myself to breakfast despite really wanting to hit the snooze button a few more times
5. Completing this post for 3 days in a row
Since returning to England and finding my way in a new city, I’ve had a register at a new doctor in order to get my meds. I’ve now had 2 appointments with the same GP, and she has given me lots of info on mental health help in my area, taken time to ask me questions, and prescribed my medication. However, today she asked to weigh me. I’m so paralysed by this fear that I couldn’t even speak. I was trying to but sentences weren’t actually coming out of my mouth. She let me tell her why I can’t, and she didn’t force it on me, but it really brought up some pretty crappy memories to be honest.
I leave for my new contract in 9 days, and the GP asked me today if I thought I am well enough to go. Obviously I said yes, because what’s the point in giving up an opportunity and sitting about at home? As my departure gets nearer I’m finding silly little nerves popping up, so to settle my mind I’m gonna make a little list:
Positives about the new job:
- Chance to see a lovely place
- I will be dancing 4 nights a week
- Having my own space, and being out of my parents way!
- Earning a decent wage
- Fewer daytime hours than previously
- Near the beach!
- Being near some of my friends from before (hopefully!)
Nerves/negatives about the new job:
- Worry of people not liking me
- Worry of the choreography being too hard/easy for me
- Worry that the uniform will make me look fat (yes. That has been a real thought in my head.)
- Being away from home, and the natural moments of missing my favourite people from time to time
These are probably my main pros and cons, and let’s face it the positives list is a much better read 😂 I just need to focus on all the excitement things that could happen instead of worrying it will all go wrong #anxietystruggs
On Tuesday afternoon I fly to the Canary Islands to start my first professional dance contract. I’m going to be living abroad for 6 months, and my family are moving away from my childhood home and to a different city in the next month or two. It’s strange to think that my home won’t be home when I return.
In amidst saying goodbye to the town I grew up in, I’ve been packing my suitcases and thinking about what’s to come. I can’t believe I’ve got a dance job, but I’m also nervous about the daytime activities I will be doing, as there are some types of fitness classes etc which I haven’t had to teach before. I know my rough schedule, although I don’t know how my induction period is going to work, or how quickly I will be thrown in. The control freak in me doesn’t like that 😂
I have therapy tomorrow which I’m glad about, however the homework was hard and it feels like there’s gonna be tonnes to talk about tomorrow!
For now it’s my penultimate sleep in my childhood bedroom 💜❤️
I admit it, this is hard.
I graduated from a professional performing arts college in mid- July. I’m now attending auditions, trying to keep up my skills and working towards getting that golden first job. The worst thing is that you can’t control when that time is going to come, because sometimes you get cut in the first round because of how you look, or because of some reason that doesn’t relate to ability that you’ll never be told about. I could be too short for one thing, too tall for another- it’s luck of the draw (and sometimes there aren’t any clear guidelines so you have to turn up and find out if it’s for you or not!)
In some ways I like the responsibility of my own fitness and health and life in general, but equally, it’s a heavy load. It isn’t as easy to work on your split leaps as it is to keep up an academic skill leve, I don’t know, like a maths degree or something!
Right now I’m sat in a Starbucks feeling a bit crappy. They made my frappucino taste like shit and I just received an email from an audition to let me know I didn’t get the part. Although I don’t have huge confidence in my abilities, I do have huge passion. I know I really want a performing job; and I also know that patience is not my strong point. Perhaps something better is on the cards, but it’s difficult to feel positive when you have no idea what and when your path will head in a direction you’re aiming for.
I won’t ever get feedback to know why something didn’t go in my favour (which does make it feel less personal I suppose) but also leaves my mind free to wander! How invested I feel in each potential job varies according to how much warning and preparation there was for it. It’s easier to let it go when it hasn’t been on my mind beforehand for very long.
So it’s been a while since I wrote on here. I’ve had things in my head that I wanted to blog about, but for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I think it’s hard for me to openly admit that life isn’t perfect. I wanted my update to be this inspirational post full of successes, but that is unrealistic.
Instead, life has been changeable. Not perfect, but a journey. For the most part I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary, but that’s ok. Just spending time walking around a garden centre with my auntie and my mum is enough. I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together so far this holiday.
Mental health wise things have been up and down, but that’s how it goes. It’s never going to be straightforward, but for the first time I think I’m ok with that.
I always set goals for myself when summer comes and I think I’m doing alright. Again, I haven’t done all the things I said I would exactly the amount of times I planned to, but I have done them. I wanted to enjoy being with the people I love, which I am. I wanted to keep up my fitness, which I am. I wanted to care for my injured foot, which I am.
I haven’t done everything perfectly, but I’m learning that that doesn’t mean I failed. I am working on things. Nothing happens overnight… And that’s absolutely ok.
I’ve spent the day with a best friend of mine. We met through dancing classes about 15 years ago and our friendship has grown alongside our love of dance.
We took class together at a London studio this afternoon and then watched an incredible peformance of Matthew Bourne’s The Car Man. (Seriously, it blew me away… GO WATCH IT!) okay, now I’m sidetracked… Where was I?
Right. Dancing. Lots and lots of dancing. So today was awesome. And watching shows always fills me with new inspiration and acts as a reminder of how much I utterly adore what I do. Being a performer is precious, and maybe that’s why lots of people are kinda clueless about it!
As I’m typing this I feel full of positivity and my mind is thinking over plans of how I can work on myself over summer. I want this to be the summer for which I have no regrets. A summer where I enjoy myself and keep pushing to improve. I want to be stronger, fitter and better when this holiday is over.
Does stronger mean sicker? No. Does fitter mean more tired from calorie restriction? No. Does better mean better at having OCD or an Eating disorder? No.
Basically what I’m saying is that being me doesn’t have to mean being ill. I can be a person without all of that. I’m not entirely sure who that person is yet, but I know a few things about her:
The normal part of me likes clothing with animals on, likes playing with my hair, loves animals. The normal me likes chocolate. The normal me loves to read.
That’s all for now. I am too lazy to proof read this, so enjoy the typos I inevitably made! 😂 xx