The worst thing is waiting. 

I admit it, this is hard.

I graduated from a professional performing arts college in mid- July. I’m now attending auditions, trying to keep up my skills and working towards getting that golden first job. The worst thing is that you can’t control when that time is going to come, because sometimes you get cut in the first round because of how you look, or because of some reason that doesn’t relate to ability that you’ll never be told about. I could be too short for one thing, too tall for another- it’s luck of the draw (and sometimes there aren’t any clear guidelines so you have to turn up and find out if it’s for you or not!)

In some ways I like the responsibility of my own fitness and health and life in general, but equally, it’s a heavy load. It isn’t as easy to work on your split leaps as it is to keep up an academic skill leve, I don’t know, like a maths degree or something!

Right now I’m sat in a Starbucks feeling a bit crappy. They made my  frappucino taste like shit and I just received an email from an audition to let me know I didn’t get the part. Although I don’t have huge confidence in my abilities, I do have huge passion. I know I really want a performing job; and I also know that patience is not my strong point. Perhaps something better is on the cards, but it’s difficult to feel positive when you have no idea what and when your path will head in a direction you’re aiming for.

I won’t ever get feedback to know why something didn’t go in my favour  (which does make it feel less personal I suppose) but also leaves my mind free to wander! How invested I feel in each potential job varies according to how much warning and preparation there was for it. It’s easier to let it go when it hasn’t been on my mind beforehand for very long. 

Rambling over. 


The waiting isn’t over.

If I were to give anybody one piece of advice about applying to performing arts colleges, it would be this:

expect to wait forever until you know where you are going to go.

It is scary, There is so much competition, so little funding, and so much waiting. You apply, you wait for an audition, you audition, you wait for a reply, you wait for all your replies, you look for funding, you wait some more, and then eventually the wait is over.

Sadly, I’m not there just yet.

I have done all my auditions except one now and have 2 offers so far. So, I’m either staying where I’m currently doing a foundation year or going to the college I’ve yet to audition at. If it’s the latter, then I can get a student loan and it’s happy days. If I’m staying here then I can’t get one… (hello writing funding letters to charities and scholarship schemes..)

It’s confusing, because I want to be over the moon about the option of staying here, but that isn’t certain yet. I know I am going to continue my training which is obviously the most important thing, but not knowing where is pretty unsettling. Months of uncertainty has been stressful and so the day I know which college I’m going to can’t come soon enough!!

That’s that little vent over.

Everything else has been trudging along as normal. My ed is no more or less strong than it always has been, I still have regular moments of intense emotion (be it anger, desperation, panic) as a result of ed stress, and I still have panic attacks. As it isn’t any different to what is “normal” for me I don’t resent it at the moment. It is what it is.

I’m starting to realise that nothing else in my life can make me happy in a way that will make me problems disappear. They are deeply ingrained thoughts and behviours and so the only thing that will change them is outside help and an inner commitment to do so. I haven’t made that commitment to myself yet. I am always learning more about myself and making different decision as a result, but those decisions are a balance of good and bad so I end up in a similar state of mind all the time. One day I imagine myself being recovered, but I believe I will make that decision when I am supposed to which apparently isn’t right now.

I am on my way (in a very slow and roundabout fashion) and that is good enough for me. Doing some good things is better than doing no good things at all.

Money really does make the world go round…

There is one very scary thought playing on my mind right now: not knowing whether or not I will have the funding to continue studying next year.

Getting a place at a good performing arts school is massively competitive, and after managing it last year, I’m terrified that money will stop me carrying on. I work hard, I have passion & I have got good marks so far….how is it fair that the government gives university students with poor grades a loan for a degree, but no loan for the institution I am at?

I hate that this situation is so out of my control. It is just so so so unfair and unsettling. I really hope that a solution appears, because this is what I am supposed to be doing.  I don’t want to do anything else with my life, and I shouldn’t have to now that I’ve come this far…

On a happier note, I have held myself together (sort of) despite all this crap going around in my head today.