Triggering disorder rambling.

As the title explains, please don’t read this if you might be triggered by it….

I am just so in pain right now: my stomach hurts, my head hurts, my whole body hurts with worry, anger, upset. I know that I have fasted before, and so I can do it again.

Nobody else would support that but I don’t give a damn what anybody else thinks about anything right now. If I fast, I categorically WILL feel better (even though I shouldn’t, I know that I will…)

Tonight I need to organise my stuff for a busy day tomorrow, start a brand new food journal (in accordance with my revised eating rules), and write some positive post its and stick them round my room! Oh… and drink some green tea to try and soothe my physical pain. I actally want to die at the thought of everything falling apart again tomorrow, so it better not. 

What comes up must come down…

It’s true isn’t it? Whatever happens in life, the opposite is always somewhere around the corner: something sad is counterbalanced by something good.. just like starving eventually leads to eating. It has only happened 3 times in 10 days. but that is 3 more times than for several months. I hate it when this happens. It goes one of 2 ways: back to bulimia, or back to restriction (the latter is the more likely in my current circumstances)

Whatever, it doesn’t even matter. Nothing matters when my whole life feels, no, IS out of control. I can’t do anything. I only think about food. My studying is all up in the air, and it’s ,money related so I can’t even sort it out. 

Nothing is in control. Food isn’t even in control. Everything feels pointless and I’m just willing that tomorrow I won’t eat anything I’m not allowed. I have nothing- not thin, not got a plan for the next academic year, not got anything that I can focus on that is in my control.


An epic day & a plan of action :)

Today I got my assessment marks at college and they have made me smile! My response to “you got the highest marks in the year” was “are you joking?!” I am so happy that my hard work has paid off, that my teachers like me, and that my psychological issues have not got in the way of either of those things.

After a tough day seeing a therapist yesterday, I am feeling mega positive after the surprisingly good news this afternoon! So, I have been thinking carefully recently about what I want to do about everything, and this is the plan:

-Reach the body measurements I have set myself, and then STOP. The weight I want to be is one that I have maintained on a healthy amount of calories before now, so I believe this goal is realistic.

-Accept the CBT appointment I’m waiting to receive in the post, and try to make the most of what I am offered. Become less anxious as a result.

-Continue to work hard in my studies, and do as much as I can to keep my ed stress outbursts to a minimum!

-Go to a youth ed group if I am eligible for the one I have in mind.

-Keep trying to accept that my eating disorder has to stop dominating my life if I want to have a healthier and happier life, but that I don’t have to abandon my ed label. My experiences and feelings will always be a part of me, because everything that happens is!

-Try to be more relaxed even when doing tasks that majorly trigger food stressing (such as getting food out in front of others.) 

Thanks to everyone for all the positive messages the last week or so. I always feel so supported when I know there are others who have ed’s who have been told they are fine, or who have had a tough time getting help/ getting help that’s actually useful, or who know how it feels to be trapped and not certain of what to do. I love that I’m not alone, and I think it is also good for me to be reminded that my problem is real & I do need to challenge it. Thanks… my blog is a very necessary outlet right now!