My GP made a comment that I can’t get out of my mind, so it felt right to write about and get my thoughts out. 

“Are you sure you should be going to work abroad? People with complex mental health needs often find a stable environment better for them”

On the one hand I understand that familiar things can be comforting, and that change can provoke anxiety in the best of us. However, a comment like this gave me 2 very contradictory feelings: validation and irritation. 

Her concern justified my illness. This negative attention felt good, even if that isn’t an ideal way of seeing it. But, I did feel annoyed that she expressed this when she hadn’t known me very long. My feeling is that I could be well or ill in any setting. Surely the biggest determining factor is my attitude towards recovery. I mentioned my concerns to my therapist, and while she agreed that performers are put under the pressures of lots of change & importance placed on appearance, she believes healing is always possible. 

What do you think? 

Having put things in my life on hold in favour of my mental health- such as romantic relationships, missing days or certain activities during education etc, I think that doing something you want to do can add something positive to your life and a reason to focus on getting well. It’s certainly challenging for me to work full time and handle my problems, but my problems will be a challenge wherever I am & whatever I’m doing!

If you celebrate, happy Easter; if not, happy bank holiday weekend!

Xoxo

The cycle of overwhelm.

To say I’d been emotional this week would be a huge understatement. Usually my medication makes me find it fairly hard to cry, but I seem to have turned into a physical embodiment of the song cry me a river. Graduation is approaching, and with  that comes a lot of feelings. It’s definitely an exciting time, but I want to enjoy my last days of student classes and time with the people I’ve really bonded with over the last years.  I think that some people have gotten  too big for their boots, and others would leave today if they could, and so there is an air of “fuck this” in the atmosphere. In a girl dominated environment, the bitchiness has reached a high and I’m utterly sick of feeling that who I am isn’t good enough for those around me. 

If I were a more confident person, I think I would have handled some disagreements and bitching this week in a way that didn’t destroy my sanity so much, but unfortunately I’m not in that place yet. Anything that has upset someone else has caused me such extreme inner pain that thoughts of suicide have been really prominent. 

I’m typing as I’m sat on a train going home to see my family. There’s only so many times a girl can call her Mum crying before you just need a hug, right? So this weekend is going to be about me. Fuck everyone else for a brief moment in time, and let’s have time with my mummy and my animals.  

I’ve been trapped in the cycle of feeling overwhelmed, being hysterical and crying, feeling guilty, then wanting to do something self destructing, and by the time that’s done, something else overwhelming has come along. It’s exhausting and I’m done with it. I’m also quietly anxious about waiting for a response from my dietitian, because I messaged her about how I’m feeling re wanting to lose weight and simultaneously recover. I know it’s dumb, but I need someone else to tell me it. No reply as yet, so I hope I didn’t make her mad.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Well done to anyone who made it to the end of the massive rant. 😂 xoxox

Headaches.

Until recently I thought horrendous headaches were just tiredness, dehydration or hunger. Apparently it isn’t normal to have daily crushing headaches that worsen through the day, almost everyday, the cure for which is sleep and darkness… My psychiatrist told me it’s a symptom of a depression, and I’d never thought about that before. Just wanted to share in case anyone else gets them too xxx

The future of my blog :)

It’s nothing extravagant, but I thought I’d tell you guys what and when I plan on posting from now on. 

Ive decided to have Wednesday as a general journaling day: Wednesday’s words 

Friday will be an informative post, about anything. Suggestions always welcome! Comment below if there’s anything at all you’d like to read about 🙂 for Friday Facts!

And last of all, I will post on the weekend about something that inspires or motivates me

Goodnight people

Xxx

Z is for ?

Ah shit. I couldn’t think of any words that mean anything I want to write about beginning with z!

Instead I will write about coming to the end the alphabet. I’ve actually really liked having something to guide my posts and make me post more often. I’ve found it mentally helpful to blurt out some thoughts of an evening! I want to carry on writing on a schedule, but I haven’t decided what yet! 

If you enjoyed anything in particular, then let me know 🙂

Xx

Q is for Quitter

I had a breakdown today. Everything in my mind was just so loud and so fast that I just stopped. I couldn’t move because I couldn’t take any more. My eating disorder wants me to succeed at getting thin. There’s a certain size in mind, with specific things that would prove to me I had achieved it. It seems foolproof, yet instead I feel like an unstable mess. I don’t feel small at all; I feel grossly chubby even when other people say I am actually thin. 

I want to let go of my ed goal and just get on with life, but I simultaneously don’t want to be a quitter. I don’t want to almost “win” at my disorder’s aims, because then I would have given in. 

On the surface all these words sound really superficial and ludicrous, but I’m just deeply insecure and feel like my life will lose any vague sense of control if I quit listening to my disorder. Underneath, I just want to be noticed and feel deserving of good things. 

M is for Mental Illness

Today I have really felt dominated by thoughts about food, my body, or sleep. It seems that my disorder has become who I am and I’m afraid of all the time I would have without it. 

Reading that makes me kinda… Empty I suppose. Like should my life be that way? Is that what I want, or what my ED wants? Most likely the latter. 

So what does mental illness mean to me? Mental illness is an energy-sucker. It takes away my sense of normality and of having joy be a common, as opposed to rare, fleeting part of life. Mental illness is complex and experience uniquely from person to person. It’s often overlooked by others because the internal feelings of crushing uselessness and failure aren’t visible to them. Mental illness makes you feel inadequate, yet somehow feels like a friend who can keep some familiarity in a world of unpredictable change.

What does it mean to you guys?

Xxx

G is for Growing up

Today I learned that the letter G is a hard one to find a post for.. I’ve chosen to talk about growth because my disorders have moulded to stay with me as I’ve gotten older. 

The 8 year old girl who thought she weighed too much became a 14 year old who cut out lunch. The critical voice got stronger and stronger, until the 14 year old became a 17 year old who went from anorexic to bulimic.

Now I’m 21 and accustomed to living with housemates not my family. I am “grown up” (in the legal sense… My enjoyment of stuffed animals suggests otherwise…) 

In many ways, suffering makes you grow up because you have to understand your mind in a way other people do not; however I’ve missed out in other ways. I find it hard to cope healthily, meaning I end up needing other people more than Id like to admit. 

G is also for Gain. These are the things I would gain from being recovered:

-less anxiety when eating socially

-more energy

-better hair and skin 

-more physical strength and health

-ability to enjoy treat foods

-not feeling guilt because others worry about me 

-more confidence

Defeated

Today sucked. Well, most of it did anyways. My doctor tried to tell me that my thoughts and feelings are more important than her weighing me all the time. I see that my illness is mental at its core, but all that did was make me think she must believe I’m not thin enough to be a worry.
Fuck everything.
I’m tired of people telling me that I’m so smart and so they don’t know how I am so blind about my ed. But I think I’m seeing clear as daylight. I know what people really mean; I’m not fooled by it. Nobody thinks the physical side of my ed is serious and/or obvious. Well that’s just a pile of shit. I’ve wasted all these years and effort for it to be nothing? When will I be thin enough to be able to accept that I need to change?
Never.
Because history shows me I suck at my eating disorder. I’m probably just wishing I had one and imagining my suffering.
I’m so confused, angry, sad and hopeless right now. Why is it so painful.

I don’t know my own body….?!

I look, obsess, analyse at it all the time, yet my perception of myself is constantly questioned by those around me. I feel my bones, I take every measurement I can, I perpetually compare myself to people, and so it is hard to believe that the view of my body I have created in my mind is wrong….

I have a notebook which I write in multiple times a day, in order to track food, body measurements and exercise etc.. it is my obsession. This evening I have got a new notebook and I have started writing in it (old one was full) which is what has got me looking back and thinking about how my body has changed.

Emotion-wise, today has been pretty rough. I was sat with my family in the pub for lunch. Nobody was making me eat, but my incredible hunger was fighting with my ed. I wanted to eat, but at the same time I wanted to stay empty. The hunger made me unable to think properly and the social eating scenario made me anxious before I even thought about maybe trying to eat something. I ran out and had a panic attack, then walked down the road with tears streaming down my face. I felt angry for not fighting the ed and eating- like I had let myself down, and I also felt hugely upset that my ed controls me so much. A lot of the time I’m able to imagine that I am in control of it, as I avoid so many situations which challenge its “rules.” It’s one thing when it leaves me feeling a state, but today was worse because my parents and siblings just had to sit there with me unable to form a sentence before I ran out. I just feel stupid I guess.

I don’t want a casual lunch with my family to be an impossible task; however I don’t want to confront the issues that make it one until I have justified it by losing more weight. A few months ago I was proud of myself for being able to understand and articulate my problems, but I don’t seem to be able to go any further than it. If I’m not doing anything positive with that knowledge then what the hell is the point?

I really couldn’t say whether or not I want to get better. Ambivalent isn’t even the word- as I know every ed sufferer feels that at times- I am just so utterly lost.