My GP made a comment that I can’t get out of my mind, so it felt right to write about and get my thoughts out. 

“Are you sure you should be going to work abroad? People with complex mental health needs often find a stable environment better for them”

On the one hand I understand that familiar things can be comforting, and that change can provoke anxiety in the best of us. However, a comment like this gave me 2 very contradictory feelings: validation and irritation. 

Her concern justified my illness. This negative attention felt good, even if that isn’t an ideal way of seeing it. But, I did feel annoyed that she expressed this when she hadn’t known me very long. My feeling is that I could be well or ill in any setting. Surely the biggest determining factor is my attitude towards recovery. I mentioned my concerns to my therapist, and while she agreed that performers are put under the pressures of lots of change & importance placed on appearance, she believes healing is always possible. 

What do you think? 

Having put things in my life on hold in favour of my mental health- such as romantic relationships, missing days or certain activities during education etc, I think that doing something you want to do can add something positive to your life and a reason to focus on getting well. It’s certainly challenging for me to work full time and handle my problems, but my problems will be a challenge wherever I am & whatever I’m doing!

If you celebrate, happy Easter; if not, happy bank holiday weekend!

Xoxo

The cycle of overwhelm.ย 

To say I’d been emotional this week would be a huge understatement. Usually my medication makes me find it fairly hard to cry, but I seem to have turned into a physical embodiment of the song cry me a river. Graduation is approaching, and with  that comes a lot of feelings. It’s definitely an exciting time, but I want to enjoy my last days of student classes and time with the people I’ve really bonded with over the last years.  I think that some people have gotten  too big for their boots, and others would leave today if they could, and so there is an air of “fuck this” in the atmosphere. In a girl dominated environment, the bitchiness has reached a high and I’m utterly sick of feeling that who I am isn’t good enough for those around me. 

If I were a more confident person, I think I would have handled some disagreements and bitching this week in a way that didn’t destroy my sanity so much, but unfortunately I’m not in that place yet. Anything that has upset someone else has caused me such extreme inner pain that thoughts of suicide have been really prominent. 

I’m typing as I’m sat on a train going home to see my family. There’s only so many times a girl can call her Mum crying before you just need a hug, right? So this weekend is going to be about me. Fuck everyone else for a brief moment in time, and let’s have time with my mummy and my animals.  

I’ve been trapped in the cycle of feeling overwhelmed, being hysterical and crying, feeling guilty, then wanting to do something self destructing, and by the time that’s done, something else overwhelming has come along. It’s exhausting and I’m done with it. I’m also quietly anxious about waiting for a response from my dietitian, because I messaged her about how I’m feeling re wanting to lose weight and simultaneously recover. I know it’s dumb, but I need someone else to tell me it. No reply as yet, so I hope I didn’t make her mad.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Well done to anyone who made it to the end of the massive rant. ๐Ÿ˜‚ xoxox

Headaches.ย 

Until recently I thought horrendous headaches were just tiredness, dehydration or hunger. Apparently it isn’t normal to have daily crushing headaches that worsen through the day, almost everyday, the cure for which is sleep and darkness… My psychiatrist told me it’s a symptom of a depression, and I’d never thought about that before. Just wanted to share in case anyone else gets them too xxx

The future of my blog :)

It’s nothing extravagant, but I thought I’d tell you guys what and when I plan on posting from now on. 

Ive decided to have Wednesday as a general journaling day: Wednesday’s words 

Friday will be an informative post, about anything. Suggestions always welcome! Comment below if there’s anything at all you’d like to read about ๐Ÿ™‚ for Friday Facts!

And last of all, I will post on the weekend about something that inspires or motivates me

Goodnight people

Xxx

Z is for ?ย 

Ah shit. I couldn’t think of any words that mean anything I want to write about beginning with z!

Instead I will write about coming to the end the alphabet. I’ve actually really liked having something to guide my posts and make me post more often. I’ve found it mentally helpful to blurt out some thoughts of an evening! I want to carry on writing on a schedule, but I haven’t decided what yet! 

If you enjoyed anything in particular, then let me know ๐Ÿ™‚

Xx

Q is for Quitter

I had a breakdown today. Everything in my mind was just so loud and so fast that I just stopped. I couldn’t move because I couldn’t take any more. My eating disorder wants me to succeed at getting thin. There’s a certain size in mind, with specific things that would prove to me I had achieved it. It seems foolproof, yet instead I feel like an unstable mess. I don’t feel small at all; I feel grossly chubby even when other people say I am actually thin. 

I want to let go of my ed goal and just get on with life, but I simultaneously don’t want to be a quitter. I don’t want to almost “win” at my disorder’s aims, because then I would have given in. 

On the surface all these words sound really superficial and ludicrous, but I’m just deeply insecure and feel like my life will lose any vague sense of control if I quit listening to my disorder. Underneath, I just want to be noticed and feel deserving of good things. 

M is for Mental Illness

Today I have really felt dominated by thoughts about food, my body, or sleep. It seems that my disorder has become who I am and I’m afraid of all the time I would have without it. 

Reading that makes me kinda… Empty I suppose. Like should my life be that way? Is that what I want, or what my ED wants? Most likely the latter. 

So what does mental illness mean to me? Mental illness is an energy-sucker. It takes away my sense of normality and of having joy be a common, as opposed to rare, fleeting part of life. Mental illness is complex and experience uniquely from person to person. It’s often overlooked by others because the internal feelings of crushing uselessness and failure aren’t visible to them. Mental illness makes you feel inadequate, yet somehow feels like a friend who can keep some familiarity in a world of unpredictable change.

What does it mean to you guys?

Xxx