My family and food. 

Where do I start?

Firstly by saying that this post is just me venting the triggers, rather than being about judging them. 

My brothers seem to be the ones who escaped the food trap. They both have no issues whatsoever with food and actually really enjoy it with freedom while maintaining healthy bodies. 

My parents on the other hand are where the problems lie. For as long as I can recall my mum has been on and off diets. Sometimes she has sustained weight loss for a decent time, while other attempts were short lived. I remember watching her read the information on food packets when I was a child, and recall people always praising her when she had been “good” on her diet. Fast forward to this afternoon, and we are in the shop. I commented on some dried snacks and she told me how sugary they are. You might as well eat chocolate if you’re going to have them. While her statements are always aimed at the generic you as opposed to me personally, it makes me feel that anything I select will be judged. I support her trying to lose weight, and on countless occasions have given her (sensible, healthy) advice, but I cannot stand hearing all this food talk. It’s one sided, because I couldn’t tell her my food thoughts without a. Feeling uncomfortable or b. Getting told I was wrong.

My dad is very different. He has been thin my whole life. As a child I remember him as a normal eater, but in the latter half of my life he has developed weird habits. My observations tell me he does a version of intermittent fasting. He is currently losing weight, despite being very low body fat and already healthy, in preparation for something, and frankly it is a bit obsessional. Neither of them have habits I would recommend to a friend, as food plays a bigger part than I feel it should in their lives. 

Families eh?

*i love mine to pieces, but my ed is very trigger sensitive and competitive so these things are just too much for me. 

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It could be worse, but it most certainly isn’t better.

At the moment I am in a “safe” place with my eating disorder. Things stay pretty much “normal” as far as my ed behaviours go, I’m doing the same level of exercise as always, planning food as meticulously as always, and worrying just as much as always. These days, I’m usually very aware of when I’m letting my ed control me, particularly when it comes to snapping at others etc, and so I tend to just hold it all in, feeling a constant need to be polite and calm and never show how much of a fight is going on in my head.

When I lived at home, I felt guilty about shutting my family out, but atleast I could express my difficulty through isolation and cross words towards them sometimes; now I just add fuel to the self-punishment fire so to speak, as none of it gets to come out in any other way apart from through food and exercise.

I feel numb, I am still conflicted about what I want in terms of recovery, but nothing is largely going to change in that respect, as I don’t have any options apart from going it alone at the present time.

In precisely 43 minutes my marching in place will be done and I can go to bed.

Night…