Bingeing (or eating a more normal amount)

I only ever completely lost my period for a few months. My body just keeps it going- even when I exercise 5 hours a day on less than my BMR of calories… so anyway, either the day before or the first day of my light, half period, I get hungry. 

Usually I don’t notice it too significantly, and life goes on as normal. But once every few months, I just go into crazy eat mode. It makes me feel like crap, especially since my bulimic phase. I am scared that I will go back to being bulimic again. I know the chances are that this is the same as always: a day where I feel so horrible about what I have done by eating that I feel like I will eat forever and be out of control. Only that’s what it is- A day. Not everyday, not half a week… a day.

I wish I could see the future and know for certain that it is the same this time. Cos right now I just never want to go out again. I want to wish this day away so that it never happened. I’m a failure. I hate it.

Power & binges

I have never been told that officially had bulimia, but as I was starving all day, eating tons at night and then throwing up/ taking laxatives/ exercising for hours into the night, I think it is safe to say I’m not wrong to assume this diagnosis! Sadly for me, the binges began while I was awaiting a second period of appointments with my local ed service, and so they told me my eating disorder was Atypical at that point (weight was a bit higher than anorexia criteria), but a GP counsellor later told me I had anorexia (I lied about the binge/purge and was fully in an anorexic mind frame by then anyway…)

Right now, months after that bulimic phase, I am still PETRIFIED of ever, ever, ever returning to that cycle. The other night I ate “out of control”, but calorie wise it was actually fine, it was just not “safe” enough for my liking, and aside from that I am back to full time restricting and planning my intake. 

It is now 11.26 pm and I am marching on the spot (to burn calories) feeling proud of the fact I have not allowed myself to binge. The high of “achieving” my restriction goal today makes me feel brilliant  I just wish I didn’t have to feel on edge all day with worry about what I will have to do to myself if I eat something bad/ too much. 

I always think that my inner anorexic will make me happy. It does, but only in fleeting moments.