In a nutshell, my biggest fear about recovery is the past repeating itself. When I previously upped my calorie intake, everything was fine until I gave into a craving for the first time in a very long time. I ate out of control- over 2000 calories (yes, I know, that is what I should be eating, but it felt wild!) so I starved the next day… until that night it happened again. That time I made myself throw some of it up & then obsessively moved around and exercised for 4 hours. This pattern just kept on going and going and going.
I was tired, hungry or uncomfortably full, depressed and an anxious mess.
I worked daily to regain control of my nerves & now suffer far fewer panic attacks.
I started full time restricting again and am now back where I started: my body requires more than I give it, but I am waiting for professional help and so feel powerless to do much on my own. The fear of returning to the “nighteating-purging-madexercising-ltitlesleep” phase just makes me see death as a better option.
Yesterday I cried and babbled to somebody, and for once it actually did give me some relief. I am still just waiting, carrying on life as best as I can & doing my best to keep everything vaguely together. It was so good to talk HONESTLY, but I am still afraid and stuck.