I get mood swings… Big ones. I know that depression and ed’s do this to lots of people, so in my therapy session yesterday I was trying to be sarcastic and brush off the hard things that happened this week, and then it all came to a head. I find it hard to touch things that have been touched by others, and yesterday I completely froze when asked to pick the pen up off the table. My thoughts were so much that I couldn’t even hear them. I couldn’t move or talk.
All of a sudden I was just so angry that I couldn’t pick up a fucking pen! It’s ridiculous! I then became more angry at myself for not being thin enough and for failing for years now at achieving that. I felt like if I couldn’t do anything right then why the hell am I alive.
“What are you thinking right now?”
Me: I just want to die.
“What would you do?”
Me: I have loads of meds. I want to take them all and end it.
“Do you feel like you could reach out to someone later if this feeling continued?”
Me: I don’t think I want to. Not being here would end all the problems. I can’t continue having to do all these things when I don’t even have any control afterwards.
“You are suffering and I think you need to talk more. We can’t talk now but I’m going to ask a colleague and then I think you need to go to the hospital. What do you think about that?”
Me: I don’t think anything. I’m sorry.
I spent a long time in hospital yesterday and spoke to several people. The despair in that moment was too much to handle alone. Today I’m left with the shock of how my mood deteriorated so fast, and also how easily a suicidal thought became a solid idea in my mind.
One of my biggest difficulties with recovery is my belief that I’m not sick enough to merit change, but I think yesterday was a turning point. I’m going to spend my whole life going through these crisis points if I can’t get better. I must be ill.