Speaking my mind.

My binges and purging (usually through laxatives and exercise as I’m rarely able to be sick) are always a result of my restrictive anorexia. Before having a restrictive eating disorder I never ate out of control, ate quickly or had the urge to eat loads. Until today, I never told anybody LITERALLY what happens. I found myself saying that “I ate loads in one go, had to rid of it and then sat in a panicked state, unable to physically move when I was unable to do so. No money for laxatves, unable to be sick and not feeling like I could ever do enough exercise…”

I have never been so open about what goes on in the short binge phases I experience, and I feel so relieved. I have admitted that I DO have a problem in that respect, and while it isn’t its own entity- more a biological and psychological response to deprivation- I do need to address it in order to reach the ultimate “middle” of eating well and being mentally ok.

I am not yet in a place to contemplate not losing more weight, and so I am going to accept that, but create a calorie range, so there is a bottom to my restriction. That way I will still lose weight, but be “allowed” a certain amount… this will be new to me, as throughout my problem with food, lowering the calories has been a constant focus. What I have learned is that 100-300 calories less a day barely speeds up the weight loss at all anyway!

5 THINGS I WILL DO IF I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO BINGE:

-Think about how I will feel if I do
-Do my favourite breathing exercise
-Listen to music
-Remind myself that I don’t need to “stock up” food, because I have induced the deprivation and I know I am going to get x calories tomorrow anyway. Know that my body is programmed to survive, but the instinct to eat large amounts in unnecessary in society where food is readily available
-Call someone and talk about anything! This is good because it proves food doesn’t have to control my llife

I feel like I have just had a massive revelation! Never using clear language has stopped me from fully admitting to anybody the truth of this side of my illness. So I will say it again and see it in black and white:

My anorexic brain wishes me to be perfect. When biology eventually cuts in, my instinct makes me eat and eat. The eating disorder makes me guilty, get rid of the food, and perpetuate the cycle. When the phase ends, I am back to restricting all the time and so pretend I have never binged. Like most people. I HAVE BINGED. I am not proud of it, and have hidden it by wrapping the statement in cotton wool when speaking to others. Now this is a fact, I can break that cycle. Then I only have the one (starvation)  cycle left to break.

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For once, crying & talking was good….

In a nutshell, my biggest fear about recovery is the past repeating itself. When I previously upped my calorie intake, everything was fine until I gave into a craving for the first time in a very long time. I ate out of control- over 2000 calories (yes, I know, that is what I should be eating, but it felt wild!) so I starved the next day… until that night it happened again. That time I made myself throw some of it up & then obsessively moved around and exercised for 4 hours. This pattern just kept on going and going and going. 

I was tired, hungry or uncomfortably full, depressed and an anxious mess.

I worked daily to regain control of my nerves & now suffer far fewer panic attacks. 

I started full time restricting again and am now back where I started: my body requires more than I give it, but I am waiting for professional help and so feel powerless to do much on my own. The fear of returning to the “nighteating-purging-madexercising-ltitlesleep” phase just makes me see death as a better option.

Yesterday I cried and babbled to somebody, and for once it actually did give me some relief. I am still just waiting, carrying on life as best as I can & doing my best to keep everything vaguely together. It was so good to talk HONESTLY, but I am still afraid and stuck.