Dietitians, the fat feeling & overthinking central. 

I have some goals with my food intake that I’m doing my best to achieve. I’m honestly finding that each day is different. Sometimes I can wake up and eat a full breakfast and feel ok, but other days I’m too uncomfortable with the amount of calories in the meal to eat it. I’ve already realised that I’m soooo used to living in a hungry state, and when I have eaten my breakfast I have fewer thoughts about food and cravings in the following hours. Who would have thought that maybe, just maybe, people who eat normally don’t spend their whole lives overanalysing food? LOL AT MY LIFE 

Today was predominantly very relaxing and equally productive, until a worry came in and brought along with it the fat feeling. Basically any emotion has the power to make me feel fat, and feeling fat then makes me feel angry & disappointed in myself for being as imperfect and flabby as I am. Nothing and nobody can calm my feelings of fatness, and unfortunately that’s just the way it is. 

Do any of you relate to feeling fat? How do you handle it? 

When I get stuck in thought cycles about my body, I find it such a challenge to stop overthinking. This has always been a trait of mine, but it’s been exaggerated by OCD. Fingers crossed the feelings are so strong in the morning

Night xoxo

Utterly at breaking point today. (ED TRIGGER WARNING)

I met a new therapist today and she was really nice. It went ok. Nothing about my day was unusually bad or difficult, but seeing my reflection in a bikini just pushed me over the edge. 

I can’t say I was exactly feeling positive and relaxed beforehand, but even so, I wasn’t expecting to be so upset because of a dumb mirror. I just looked horribly “normal”, you know, flabby, round, gross.. I didn’t look at all like I should considering I have a fucking eating disorder. I’m so exhausted at not being thin enough. I have been thinner than I am now, so what the hell am I playing at?! I’ve had years now to get back there, and I know people in my life just say I’m skinny to avoid upsetting me more. 

I’m on this mission with my eating disorder and I wish other people would help me, but apparently I’m destroying myself and they won’t help me do that. Well I’m either going to be a body size that doesn’t make me feel this way pretty damn soon, or I’m going to kill myself. I’m a joke of an ed sufferer. I don’t even think I have one anymore. 

I’m so wound up that I’m going to see how long I can go without eating tomorrow. Fuck this. 

I wish I knew what is going to happen..

So.. this week I have had some really exciting news (woo) and some pretty crappy news too. The therapist I’m seeing has said that part of her job is to do what is best for me, and apparently that might be referring me back to the ed specific service.. except that ISN’T better for me. They will be different people, in a different city to where I went to that service before AND my experience with them there was rubbish. I have always been the type who would cry as opposed to feel rage, but one person there flipped that on its head. Never in my whole life have I physically want to cause someone else pain- until I met one of the people I saw there. She made me literally want to scream and break everything in sight. Of course, that wasn’t an option, so I have pushed these feelings of absolute anger to the back of my mind.

I waited ages to be seen, got turned away, got worse, went back a year later, got 7 weeks of help and then got told to go it alone. I’m not even back in that service yet and I already feel like I must be not sick enough, not thin enough for them to want to help me.

I feel inadequate, again, just like I did before. I know deep down that my disorder is very much affecting my life and I would like and need to have a normal life. But I just cannot get over this hurdle of not feeling like it would be justified to change- especially when the ed service has limited time and could turn me away, essentially labelling me not severe enough for them. That is the last thing I need right now. If that were to happen, then I would continue into this ed, depressed, anxious cycle even more, and that is not something that needs encouraging.

I want to be thinner AND better at the same time. And the latter of those might only happen if I do the former thing first. The health system is basically asking me to get worse so I’m able to get what I need to get better.

Who the hell designed that?

 

Random thoughts (same as usual really!)

I have a big rant to go on to start with, so going to get that out the way first…

Today I saw a friend who I haven’t seen for quite a while. She asked me how things were going ed/ depression/ anxiety wise, and I said that they were up and down but “fine”. Obviously they aren’t, as I feel totally unstable, but it wasn’t the time to say! Her response was “well you’re obviously doing some things right, like, you haven’t ended up in hospital”

My ed reaction to this was OH MY GOD SHE DOESN’T THINK I’VE LOST WEIGHT, SHE MUST THINK I’M FAT. This thought has been playing on my mind since the moment she said it. I suppose she may not have been referring to weight at all- I hope now! But I just hear the ed telling me that I’m tricking myself into being ok if I believe that.

On quite a different note, my evening ended with a family member commenting how thin I have gotten since I was home at Christmas. As usual, I couldn’t formulate a response and just kinda shrugged. Part of me is delighted at their statement, while part of me wants to curl up in a hole of confusion as I get less and less able to know what the hell I actually look like anymore!

My next worry is the coming weekend. I’m going with my parents to another town to see some relatives. We are going out to lunch. I don’t have to eat, but after the “are you eating? you’ve gotten thin” fiasco this evening, maybe people will leave me be if I do eat? But then there’s the possiblity I might have a panic attack if I try which I frankly don’t have the energy for at the moment. Ah what to do?!

I’ve been thinking a lot today about how food impacts my family generally. Since a young age, eating out and eating bad foods has always been a treat, a birthday thing, a celebration of an achievement. And I guess I do classify food as a treat, yet it has become something that I can never do enough to earn. Both my parents have quite focused relationships with their bodies and food: one has been phasey and researched into health and dieting extensively, while the other has only recently managed to successfully lose excess weight. My whole life I have watched the latter do a hundred and one different diets and always put the weight (and more) back on when it eventually fell apart.

I would never blame anybody else for my problems, but I suppose it isn’t surprising that I have developed pride in being able to lose weight & attached a sense of achievement and necessity in doing so. Couple that with a perfeccionist personality and lack of confidence and BAM…

As it is 11.30 pm I think it is time for bed. Zzzzzz

My conscience is fighting my disorder.

Inside my mind at the moment there is a contest. I continue to be disordered, but I continue to want to be “normal”at the same time. I am unable to decide what I want to have happened by the end of the holidays: do I want to be tons thinner, or do I want to go back to where I am studying and say that I’ve done well to hold things stable for a while?

I have thought about it A LOT… and I don’t know.

I suppose that trying to decide the outcome is somewhat convoluted anyway, because ed’s will take their own path in the end, but still, I just wish I could be 100% comfortable with one of the options. The only problem I see with accepting my disordered behaviour and allowing it to continue, is that I feel so bad about how much I worry and hurt others. Following that trail of thought, I would be a selfish person if I didn’t fight for stability and recovery, right? But then I am not currently willing to let go of my ed. I’ve read other people’s posts about reaching a lower target weight and then gaining it back and starting again, and I too feel like I cannot permit myself to be fully recovered until it is “justified.” I know that is illogical, but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore..

“Know that you are your greatest enemy, but also your greatest friend.”

Jeremy Taylor

You know you have a messed up mind when a bit of you wants to be in hospital.

I know more than one person who has been hospitalised because of their eating disorder. For one of those people the inpatient time was only 2 weeks long. I don’t know what happened to initiate them going into hospital, but I just keep thinking that a fortnight is really not long at all, so maybe I would feel better if that happened to me…

I feel like an absolute idiot for even having the tiniest wish to go into hospital, but I can’t deny that it is there, and so I am writing to get it out. 

I have thought about this for a long time, and on days when I feel very low, having the validation of my disorder by being in hospital seems so appealing. Realistically speaking, I don’t want my life to be put on hold,.yet sometimes that is what I want more than anything else in the world. Sometimes everything just feels too much and I sit in a heap on the floor unable to do anything.

The “dream” would be to be fully eating disordered and function normally- obviously not an option- so when my issues are really getting in the way of my life, I feel like if I could finally hit the bottom of my ed then I could come back out of it and get on with being normal… The thing is, there is no bottom. There is always I way I feel I could be sicker, thinner, more depressed etc. There will always be somebody worse than me.

I guess part of my current worry, is that I am in a relatively new environment, full of people that mostly do not understand anything about any kind of mental,illness at all, and so it feels necessary and like it would be an “achievement” to prove to them that I really do have an eating disorder. 

Right now I am also waiting for one very, very important letter, which will probably determine what I’m doing for the next few years. I know that I will get this just before the end of the month. With that in mind, my focus is on hoping that it will say what I want to, so that I can relax knowing that my future is sorted out for a while. 

Once I read that letter (and if it is the outcome I hope for) then I will feel like I don’t need to keep holding things together, as I have been for the last months. If that pressure is relieved then I can relax a little.

The day I get that letter is also the day that I go home for Easter- busy time hey!? I have quite a long holiday and all I can think about is getting noticeably thinner for the new term.

Reading this all back just makes me feel silly. I know how bad it is to think like this, but right now there is so much pressure in my life that I can’t stop it. I WANT it there. I WANT to be eating disordered. I can’t let go of it now because it is the only thing I am holding on to.

If I get good news in that letter AND I lose lots over Easter, then I will tell my therapist I need the more intensive treatment option. Sorry to anyone who is reading all this non-nonsensical babbling, but hey, I wrote this to be a place to figure things out, and I have: I am as messed up as ever, I wish I weren’t, but right now I feel that I need and want to be. however much I want to get on with being normal.