Musings…

I’ve recently watched a short clip about the role of genetics and cognitions in eating disorders. It’s fascinated me, as I’ve always had very black or white, inflexible thought processes, so the idea that isn’t normal is strange.
It’s made me have a few questions for anyone with an eating disorder. Please comment your answers if you have time:
1. Before your disorder, were you a conscientious, high achieving child?
2. Would you say you are good at remembering details?
3. Do you get absorbed on a task, feeling unable to leave any errors?
4. Do you like being alone?/ prefer small groups to social occasions?
5. Is organisation important to you?
6. Does being hungry feel rewarding?
7. Is one mistake more important than the overall bigger picture?
8. Do you get absorbed by programmes or articles about eating disorders and mental illness?

“Binges” (air quotes explained below…)

Today I FELT like everything food-wise fell apart. For most of the day, things were going well- meaning I felt unattached to my surroundings due to fatigue and headaches from lack of energy…But then, out of nowhere came a burning desire to eat. At first I felt powerful in overriding my longings for food, but my hunger (emotional and physical) overtook.

Not very anorexic sounding really, is it? But frankly, this is the truth of having an eating disorder.

So anyway, I ate.

Because I had spent so long being determined to shut the idea of eating out of my head, it felt like a binge, despite the fact it was not excess calories. I find it weird that I don’t remember when my brain began registering “normal” calories as too much… it just happened. 

As I am writing and rationalising my day, I still feel like the only answer is to keep marching on the spot, just as I always do. I simply cannot come to terms with how the hell it is possible for me to have the intelligence to know this is crazy, yet feel consoled by obsessively exercising and compelled to carry on?! In my mind, the only way is to “settle” the calories before I sleep…