Are you kidding me?

Now, I know that most teenagers/ students enjoy staying up late and being rowdy, but I don’t.

Before I had any mental issues, I did love staying up late with my friends… ON WEEKENDS. I don’t know how anybody can stay up pissing about, then get up at 6 am and dance for 7 hours the next day. I personally have enough trouble falling asleep as it is, without being woken up.

Since moving here, I have been the unfortunate victim of many crappy nights sleep. Apparently, it is acceptable to be utterly inconsiderate. If you want people round, you just bring them without asking (at any time of night it seems).

I get that my housemates don’t understand how much my sleep is affected by my problems, but they all know that I do have my struggles at the moment, and so you would have thought they would assume that a bit of peace and quiet might be helpful to me… but no.

It is so infuriating that nobody cares. I feel worthless enough, without them blatantly doing things that make it clear as day that they don’t give a shit about what I feel like. But I don’t like being the “bad guy” in a situation, so I guess I will continue to pace my room until the fury subsides.

Tomorrow might just kill me. I’m so tired and sick of this.

“Aren’t you hungry?”

Simply put: OF COURSE I AM. Not eating is pretty obviously going to make you really hungry. At the moment I was asked this, I was waiting for everybody to get out of the kitchen so I could eat was planned, and I was also emotionally drained. Tired, worried and on the brink of tears, I just had no words to answer that question…. so I stared for a while and eventually said “just shh. It doesn’t even matter if I’m hungry. Now you think I’m waiting for you to leave so I can eat I feel fat anyway.”

Brilliant eh? (sarcasm) I just have no control over what I do and say when I am in that state. 

Energy(less)

The other day I reached total exhaustion point. I just never thought that undereating would ever “get to me”, yet there I was feeling sick, total not with it and ready to fall over! After numerous tears and panicky moments I decided to attempt to make a mature decision: I told somebody what was happening. Although they can’t do anything, the reassurance that it was out of my own head was soooo good.

I guess it just made me realise that however strongly I try to be positive and be in control of how I feel, it will inevitably not be possible to do so without energy. Will I eat more now? I doubt it, but maybe next time I have an exhaustion day I will have a little more patience with myself. I hope that other people who feel like me can reach this point of accepting the ups and downs of it all as part of a journey (that will hopefully arrive where it is meant to!)