I wish I knew what is going to happen..

So.. this week I have had some really exciting news (woo) and some pretty crappy news too. The therapist I’m seeing has said that part of her job is to do what is best for me, and apparently that might be referring me back to the ed specific service.. except that ISN’T better for me. They will be different people, in a different city to where I went to that service before AND my experience with them there was rubbish. I have always been the type who would cry as opposed to feel rage, but one person there flipped that on its head. Never in my whole life have I physically want to cause someone else pain- until I met one of the people I saw there. She made me literally want to scream and break everything in sight. Of course, that wasn’t an option, so I have pushed these feelings of absolute anger to the back of my mind.

I waited ages to be seen, got turned away, got worse, went back a year later, got 7 weeks of help and then got told to go it alone. I’m not even back in that service yet and I already feel like I must be not sick enough, not thin enough for them to want to help me.

I feel inadequate, again, just like I did before. I know deep down that my disorder is very much affecting my life and I would like and need to have a normal life. But I just cannot get over this hurdle of not feeling like it would be justified to change- especially when the ed service has limited time and could turn me away, essentially labelling me not severe enough for them. That is the last thing I need right now. If that were to happen, then I would continue into this ed, depressed, anxious cycle even more, and that is not something that needs encouraging.

I want to be thinner AND better at the same time. And the latter of those might only happen if I do the former thing first. The health system is basically asking me to get worse so I’m able to get what I need to get better.

Who the hell designed that?