Today I found myself in the awkward situation of someone telling me they thought I was mentally better than I used to be. I don’t know why, but sometimes I find it impossible to accept positive statements like that. It makes me afraid that I have let go of my eating disorder (even if I have literally done something very eating disordered that day, but hidden it).
I also sometimes find these kind of conversations make me worry that I’m just a dumb teenager who think having an ed is cool. I don’t think it is cool, but I do, on some level, like the fact that I have one. It might sound sick and wrong, but that is the honest truth:
my eating disorder gives me a purpose, an identity, a way to shut things out.
Realistically speaking, the fact I want to hold onto it is probably proof to any sane individual that I do have a disorder, but hey, my mind isn’t the most logical when it comes to these things.
Can you really be wannarexic? Can you admire a mental illness without being mentally ill? Surely, if you find such a destructive disorder attractive then you must have a problem?
In other news, I was trying to do some exposure therapy today by sitting in the middle of a large group and trying to openly drink something that wasn’t diet version WITHOUT distracting myself from the negative feelings this provoked. It was tough, and during a moment when my mind was trying its hardest to escape the panic going on, I got to thinking about what my ed does for me….distract.
When I was worried about having made a mistake today, the worry shifted and became I’m worried everyone will have thought I looked gross.
When I was worried about picking up the paperwork for something on Saturday, the worry shifted and became It is more important to plan my food for tomorrow.
When I got cross at the way someone was behaving earlier, the anger shifted and became it is my fault. When I’m thinner I won’t feel this way.
I have never noticed the way my mind seamlessly translates anything negative into an ed thought. Wow…