More of a question than a post…

When my ed began, I lost weight eating around X calories (don’t wanna talk literal numbers). Now, I eat similarly but usually do about 3 times as much exercise. I am terrified that over the holidays, despite maintaining my calories control, I will not have lost weight. My measurements (waist etc) aren’t bigger though, and the amount I eat is still a weight loss level .. so worried 😦 HELP?!

My logical brain tells me that my weight loss will have been slower, due to less opportunity to exercise while on holiday, but that my body needs more than I have given it just to run itself.

My ed says I must be fatter, disgusting, a failure.

I’m scared about calories :S

Before I went through a binge/ starve or purge phase, I lost lots of weight by eating way more than a lot of anorexics. I became underweight & lost my periods even when I was eating between 1200 and 1500 calories a day. I suppose that has something to do with exercise (dance training is pretty active 😉 )

Now though, I know I am back  in a restrictive phase (good bye bulimia for now!!) and I can logically tell that I am losing weight. However, I am scared that I won’t be able to lose on  the same calories anymore?!

I know that amount of food does not sound anorexic, but when you exercise for about the same number of hours as the average person sleeps in a day, then the level of restriction compared to activity is pretty high!

So yeh. Scared. What am I going to do……

Making food choices

The food plan for the next day is ALWAYS affected by how happy I am with my calories the day before. Today, I am wishing I had eaten less, and so my plans for tomorrow are to be especially restrictive.

Part of me is bored of planning food, thinking about food, stressing about food, but a bit of me loves the obsessions. Planning to a point of perfect organisation makes me feel safe.. odd huh?

Even though I search the internet constantly to find out everything about food and the body, I know that the less you put in, the less fat you gain (in simple terms atleast), so why is it that I’m really feeling like protein only is the way to go? I guess I am someone who can’t do anything half-hearted: either I am fully doing something, or I don’t do it all! Food aside, that’s quite a useful thing!