What makes a house a home?

As I’m not yet old enough or rich enough to have my own home, I have lived in student houses and am now looking at job prospects where you live in shared accommodation, rather than a more “normal” job where you would be living in your own flat/ renting a place. All this has got me thinking about which of my possessions make me feel at home wherever I am.

My fairy lights: the soft glow makes me feel relaxed and I will always picture them in the first place they were ever put in my bedroom!

My iPad: part of my routine when I arrive home at the end of the day is to use my iPad to listen or watch something I enjoy. Having choice over what I watch makes me feel like it’s my space and my time to unwind. 

Teddies: my teddies all have a story about why they are special. I like feeling surround by those happy memories. 

Lavender oil: crazy as it sounds, I’m so attached to different scents. Lavender in particular is one I love. Anyone else ever feel like a smell transports them to somewhere in their mind?

My colouring book: because I’m a big kid who likes making pretty stuff. 

Cosy pyjamas: nothing makes me feel at home more than the ability to wear my comfy pjs the second I’m through the door. Pyjamas are essentially my house clothes. Lol at me. 

Cards and photos: I love getting post, and I have a ribbon with tiny pegs that display my cards and photos. I have put up a selection of these in every room I’ve lived in. 

Bedtime privacy: feeling at home means the wifi connects automatically and I can lay in bed typing a blog, watching a video and/or listening to a podcast. I also love being alone for a short time before bed. This gives me time to be selfish for a bit and do whatever I want. 

What do you like to have around you?

Xoxo

When your eating disorder robs you of energy.

I hate being tired. I hate that I bailed on a friend today because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Does my body really look small enough for me to get this exhaustion? 

I find myself making excuses for my tiredness a lot, when my eating must have a part in it. I’m not sure why I still excuse myself even with people that know about my disorder; perhaps I’m trying to convince myself I’m fine… 

Sometimes I don’t even trust that I’m truly exhausted- like I will wonder if I’m just lazy, or if the people around me just have a lot more energy than average. These days, I doubt everything. 

The cycle of overwhelm.

To say I’d been emotional this week would be a huge understatement. Usually my medication makes me find it fairly hard to cry, but I seem to have turned into a physical embodiment of the song cry me a river. Graduation is approaching, and with  that comes a lot of feelings. It’s definitely an exciting time, but I want to enjoy my last days of student classes and time with the people I’ve really bonded with over the last years.  I think that some people have gotten  too big for their boots, and others would leave today if they could, and so there is an air of “fuck this” in the atmosphere. In a girl dominated environment, the bitchiness has reached a high and I’m utterly sick of feeling that who I am isn’t good enough for those around me. 

If I were a more confident person, I think I would have handled some disagreements and bitching this week in a way that didn’t destroy my sanity so much, but unfortunately I’m not in that place yet. Anything that has upset someone else has caused me such extreme inner pain that thoughts of suicide have been really prominent. 

I’m typing as I’m sat on a train going home to see my family. There’s only so many times a girl can call her Mum crying before you just need a hug, right? So this weekend is going to be about me. Fuck everyone else for a brief moment in time, and let’s have time with my mummy and my animals.  

I’ve been trapped in the cycle of feeling overwhelmed, being hysterical and crying, feeling guilty, then wanting to do something self destructing, and by the time that’s done, something else overwhelming has come along. It’s exhausting and I’m done with it. I’m also quietly anxious about waiting for a response from my dietitian, because I messaged her about how I’m feeling re wanting to lose weight and simultaneously recover. I know it’s dumb, but I need someone else to tell me it. No reply as yet, so I hope I didn’t make her mad.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Well done to anyone who made it to the end of the massive rant. 😂 xoxox

No time vs not a priority.

I have a part time job to pay my rent while I’m training as a dancer/ performer. My current job can be done from home (🙏🏻 I love my pyjamas), and so I usually have YouTube open when I’m not on the phone. 

Today was no different, until I came across an old Kati Morton journal topic that grabbed my attention. What things am I avoiding? Is it really that I lack the time, or am I not prioritising all the right things? 

I graduate soon, out into the scary (and also exciting!) unknown world, and I could be doing a one year distance learning course… That’s if I actually did the application. I realised that the reason I’m not doing it isn’t lack of time; it’s just not my priority right now. Something that should be a greater priority than it is is my Happiness Journal (super cool & you should totally follow them on Instagram and look how cool they are). I’ve done it some days, but other times I palm it off by mentally saying I don’t have time. 

What about the 3 hours it took me to fall asleep? Could have done it then. Or the 5 minutes I spent scrolling through Twitter? Could have done it then too. 

It’s so simple, but assessing if it’s my priorities that need alterations or whether I’ve got too many things already filling my time has helped me see that managing my mood needs to be prioritised. 

But, kudos to myself for actually doing my food diary. Just saying.. 

Dietitians, the fat feeling & overthinking central.

I have some goals with my food intake that I’m doing my best to achieve. I’m honestly finding that each day is different. Sometimes I can wake up and eat a full breakfast and feel ok, but other days I’m too uncomfortable with the amount of calories in the meal to eat it. I’ve already realised that I’m soooo used to living in a hungry state, and when I have eaten my breakfast I have fewer thoughts about food and cravings in the following hours. Who would have thought that maybe, just maybe, people who eat normally don’t spend their whole lives overanalysing food? LOL AT MY LIFE 

Today was predominantly very relaxing and equally productive, until a worry came in and brought along with it the fat feeling. Basically any emotion has the power to make me feel fat, and feeling fat then makes me feel angry & disappointed in myself for being as imperfect and flabby as I am. Nothing and nobody can calm my feelings of fatness, and unfortunately that’s just the way it is. 

Do any of you relate to feeling fat? How do you handle it? 

When I get stuck in thought cycles about my body, I find it such a challenge to stop overthinking. This has always been a trait of mine, but it’s been exaggerated by OCD. Fingers crossed the feelings are so strong in the morning

Night xoxo

Yoga type update

It has been a few days since I decided to put some of the yoga class I went to into my daily life. 

It’s actually going well.

I have had some early mornings, and therefore done my 20-30 minute practice in the evening, but both times of day feel good for me. I like how I feel when I’m stretching with my eyes closed, alone, with quiet, meditative music in the background. Each day so far, I’ve been glad that I made the effort. 

In my dance training during term time, it can be hard to stretch effectively after a long day, but the short routine I’ve been doing could definitely work in that scenario too. 

In terms of mentality I have noticed something quite significant. I’ve noticed that I set a goal (to try doing some yoga each day this week) and I’m achieving it. My usual harsh mindset could have set me up to fail. My negative voice would have required me to do at least an hour, only in the morning, adding 5 minutes a day etc etc, and any small diversion from the plan would have meant I had ruined it. 

  

 

So basically all this rambling would have been explained just as well by the quote alone 😂 I saw it today, and thought it was all too well timed for me to not write about!

Xxx 

Being a performer, being me, and looking forward.

I’ve spent the day with a best friend of mine. We met through dancing classes about 15 years ago and our friendship has grown alongside our love of dance. 

We took class together at a London studio this afternoon and then watched an incredible peformance of Matthew Bourne’s The Car Man. (Seriously, it blew me away… GO WATCH IT!) okay, now I’m sidetracked… Where was I?

Right. Dancing. Lots and lots of dancing. So today was awesome. And watching shows always fills me with new inspiration and acts as a reminder of how much I utterly adore what I do. Being a performer is precious, and maybe that’s why lots of people are kinda clueless about it! 

As I’m typing this I feel full of positivity and my mind is thinking over plans of how I can work on myself over summer. I want this to be the summer for which I have no regrets. A summer where I enjoy myself and keep pushing to improve. I want to be stronger, fitter and better when this holiday is over. 

Does stronger mean sicker? No. Does fitter mean more tired from calorie restriction? No. Does better mean better at having OCD or an Eating disorder? No. 

Basically what I’m saying is that being me doesn’t have to mean being ill. I can be a person without all of that. I’m not entirely sure who that person is yet, but I know a few things about her:

The normal part of me likes clothing with animals on, likes playing with my hair, loves animals. The normal me likes chocolate. The normal me loves to read. 

That’s all for now. I am too lazy to proof read this, so enjoy the typos I inevitably made! 😂 xx

Wednesday words: feeling wobbly.

I’m suddenly triggered by somebody else being put in a mental health unit for their ED. I’m too fat for that. I’m so angry at myself. My parents come in a week and they will see that I’m not small at all. 😦

Y is for Yes

10 yes statements that are true for me:

Yes I listen to my eating disorder sometimes

Yes I wish I could be recovered

Yes I lack self confidence

Yes I am book smart, but not mind smart

Yes I love animals

Yes I am a worrier

Yes I believe in fate; I’m where I’m supposed to be right now

Yes my depression doesn’t mean I never laugh

Yes I love to bake

Yes I will get better

Feel free to carry on the 10 yes statements so everyone can learn more about each other 🙂