Since returning to England and finding my way in a new city, I’ve had a register at a new doctor in order to get my meds. I’ve now had 2 appointments with the same GP, and she has given me lots of info on mental health help in my area, taken time to ask me questions, and prescribed my medication. However, today she asked to weigh me. I’m so paralysed by this fear that I couldn’t even speak. I was trying to but sentences weren’t actually coming out of my mouth. She let me tell her why I can’t, and she didn’t force it on me, but it really brought up some pretty crappy memories to be honest.
I leave for my new contract in 9 days, and the GP asked me today if I thought I am well enough to go. Obviously I said yes, because what’s the point in giving up an opportunity and sitting about at home? As my departure gets nearer I’m finding silly little nerves popping up, so to settle my mind I’m gonna make a little list:
Positives about the new job:
- Chance to see a lovely place
- I will be dancing 4 nights a week
- Having my own space, and being out of my parents way!
- Earning a decent wage
- Fewer daytime hours than previously
- Near the beach!
- Being near some of my friends from before (hopefully!)
Nerves/negatives about the new job:
- Worry of people not liking me
- Worry of the choreography being too hard/easy for me
- Worry that the uniform will make me look fat (yes. That has been a real thought in my head.)
- Being away from home, and the natural moments of missing my favourite people from time to time
These are probably my main pros and cons, and let’s face it the positives list is a much better read 😂 I just need to focus on all the excitement things that could happen instead of worrying it will all go wrong #anxietystruggs
So it’s been a while since I wrote on here. I’ve had things in my head that I wanted to blog about, but for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I think it’s hard for me to openly admit that life isn’t perfect. I wanted my update to be this inspirational post full of successes, but that is unrealistic.
Instead, life has been changeable. Not perfect, but a journey. For the most part I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary, but that’s ok. Just spending time walking around a garden centre with my auntie and my mum is enough. I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together so far this holiday.
Mental health wise things have been up and down, but that’s how it goes. It’s never going to be straightforward, but for the first time I think I’m ok with that.
I always set goals for myself when summer comes and I think I’m doing alright. Again, I haven’t done all the things I said I would exactly the amount of times I planned to, but I have done them. I wanted to enjoy being with the people I love, which I am. I wanted to keep up my fitness, which I am. I wanted to care for my injured foot, which I am.
I haven’t done everything perfectly, but I’m learning that that doesn’t mean I failed. I am working on things. Nothing happens overnight… And that’s absolutely ok.
If only there were more hours in the day. Right now my life is pretty hectic: I’m in class 8.30-6 Monday- Friday, then working all weekend. By the time I’m home I’m ready to sleep, but alas, the to do lists loom.
I am one of those people that likes to be busy and have things to work towards, but the new school term has made me reevaluate how much time I take for my own needs, and raised the same old worries about “deserving” to take time for myself.
Recovery is hard. Even thinking about change is hard. Keeping up with life with a mental illness is hard…. So maybe now is the perfect time to make time to chill out.
Tomorrow evening I will do something small that I feel like doing, and I challenge YOU to join in!!