Lonely nights & what ifs.

For some reason that I’m unsure of, tonight feels lonely. I’m not alone, but I feel that way with all the thoughts in my mind.

My routine is becoming more organised. I now have certain dance classes and support groups I attend. Lists, as always, are my friend. I write down my weekly plans, as well as silly to do’s and enjoy crossing them off.

Aside from food thoughts tonight, my brain is circling on unanswerable questions.

If I get the benefit, how much will it be?

If I don’t get it, when and where could I realistically work (health and time wise) as a temporary measure in order to pay for the classes etc that I need to keep doing so I’m still working towards getting another job in the industry?

Am I doing the right thing by signing up to try something new in January? What if my strength lets me down?

What if I don’t get better?

What if I fail? At getting better, in my career, in life?

Does anyone have any answers? People at the back? Anyone?! No… well, just me on my own then. Seriously speaking, I know I can’t answer these questions right now. Nobody can! I’d just like to know what’s coming and whether I can handle it, but life just isn’t like that.

Adaptability and patience.

As usual, I’ve had the desire to write but not enough to say/motivation to do it umpteen times. At last, I’m actually posting.

The past year has shown me that I am very adaptable. I’ve moved countries twice, and returned in the middle to a new family home in a new city (that I’d never seen). Those kind of big changes are always going to have some challenges, but I was able to ride out the initial discomfort and prove to myself I could do it. Patience with myself isn’t something I find easy. In fact, I’m one of the least patient people I know.

The problem with having a problem with patience, is that in life we are always waiting for something. Be it a job, a partner, Christmas, or the arrival of a parcel, it could be easy to constantly feel impatient about something.

My current feeling of discomfort and lack of patience is tangible. I’m awaiting to hear back from an audition, while also waiting to hear back from my therapist about whether I need more intensive treatment. A great combination, huh? I don’t know yet how I feel. My tiredness from my last contract plus years of ED tiredness means a next job seems daunting. Am I in a place right now where I can do it? Would a rejection be a blessing in disguise? Deep down do I want more intensive treatment? You don’t know? Me either 😂

My point is, I can mull it over a thousand times, but until I’m presented with all the choices it’s just my impatience and anxiety wasting my energy. I need to make a promise to myself to enjoy being at home, adapting back to family life, and do proactive things (however small).

Sometimes it feels like climbing.

At the moment, my mental illnesses are making general life feel like hiking up Everest. Everything is overwhelming and I’m getting sick of it. I feel like I’m struggling more than ever to keep my life going while also handling my mental problems, but why? Why now? Why can’t I just feel like everyone else?
I want to be free from constant negative thoughts, yet at the same time a bit of me is still doubtful that I really am “ill enough.”
Am I severely depressed if I have moments of normality?
Am I really an anxious person if I’m less anxious than I have been at other times in my life?
Can my eating disorder be serious if I feel giant compared to everyone?
Can my eating disorder be overcome if I feel so strongly afraid of gaining weight?

Can a therapist hate a client?

I worry that my therapist doesn’t like me, or thinks I’m lying, or thinks I’m not trying. She has never said anything that suggests those things, but it is a big fear.

Going home.

I’ve not been to my family home since Christmas. but I’m going back for Easter holidays in  weeks. I am excited, but all of the positivity about it seems to be getting more and more overridden by worry that people back home will think I’m fatter or the same size as I was last time I was there..   :S

I know it is silly to even be thinking about that, but I just can’t stop. That thought is there, I have accepted the way I feel about it but I can’t control that situation and so i’m scared. What if somebody says something?

I think I get so worried because that house and that situation is where my ed started. and so  my family and friends there have seen me at my biggest (normal weight, slim from being active), at my thinnest and the times when I gained quite rapidly from binges. It is horrible knowing that my illness will be in other people’s heads, as whatever they say can be distorted and relayed in my brain as a massive criticism. 

This just makes me feel even more fixated on restricting. I must be thinner. I must make sure nobody thinks I am bigger. 

I wish I could just look forward to it!

 

“That’s the best I’ve heard you”

Today in singing class, the teacher told me it was the best he’d ever heard me sing, and whatever I was thinking about emotionally really came through. He told me to hang on to that feeling and use it when I perform. 

He doesn’t know I have an eating disorder. He also didn’t notice me have a panic attack during the class. 

When I was singing I was focusing on a single point in front of me as if it were a personification of all the paranoia, the food thoughts, the body dissatisfaction that I have. Although it was genuinely an emotionally challenging performance, it was AMAZING. I love the moments when I feel so involved in what I’m doing that I’m not thinking about the future. When you think about it, humans are always thinking ahead & there would be no such thing as worry if we didn’t do this all the time…

This week has been (as usual) both hard and fun: some days have been so enjoyable, but I’ve been so physically tired, cold and stressed other days. Weekend time now though. To wake up and feel properly rested would be like Christmas come very early!

Anxious, positive and sad all at once…

So, I went for the awaited CBT assessment and I am going to get some for my anxiety, so I can hopefully go on to apply it to all the food stuff.

I am positive that getting some sort of help is now in the near future, but the whole thing did make me very anxious. I’m also annoyed by the fact that I mentioned how almost all my panic is about food, weight etc & she then felt it appropriate to say “you don’t have an eating disorder”

Although this was more a general statement than an accusation, I was hurt that she didn’t guess before I said that I did. It just made me feel like a not thin enough failure. I guess it is pretty dumb to dwell on that one point of conversation, but it all goes back to the fact that my ed feels like my protection, a piece of me… and above all, it is there every minute of every day in a very blatant fashion in my mind. All of a sudden I’ve realised that people only really see you from the outside. Of course, I take from this that I am not thin enough, and that I should be disgusted that my eating disorder is technically “atypical.”

Another mental argument I’ve also got going on is that I do have an eating disorder, so it’s ok and I don’t need to be freaking out…

Then there is the logical part of my brain that knows (very VERY deep down) that surely all of the above is insanity.

Will I ever get out of this? Am I even sure that I want to? Will getting thinner and people knowing more obviously about my ed really give me the twisted sense of justification I feel I need in order to give it all up? Would people even notice at all- I mean hardly anybody has noticed that I’ve never eaten at college infront of them (and we have been there 4 months)?

Everything is confusing. I am happy that some help appears to be on its way, but I’m worried that it won’t be right, or be enough help, or that I simply won’t be able to have a normal mentality.

Power & binges

I have never been told that officially had bulimia, but as I was starving all day, eating tons at night and then throwing up/ taking laxatives/ exercising for hours into the night, I think it is safe to say I’m not wrong to assume this diagnosis! Sadly for me, the binges began while I was awaiting a second period of appointments with my local ed service, and so they told me my eating disorder was Atypical at that point (weight was a bit higher than anorexia criteria), but a GP counsellor later told me I had anorexia (I lied about the binge/purge and was fully in an anorexic mind frame by then anyway…)

Right now, months after that bulimic phase, I am still PETRIFIED of ever, ever, ever returning to that cycle. The other night I ate “out of control”, but calorie wise it was actually fine, it was just not “safe” enough for my liking, and aside from that I am back to full time restricting and planning my intake. 

It is now 11.26 pm and I am marching on the spot (to burn calories) feeling proud of the fact I have not allowed myself to binge. The high of “achieving” my restriction goal today makes me feel brilliant  I just wish I didn’t have to feel on edge all day with worry about what I will have to do to myself if I eat something bad/ too much. 

I always think that my inner anorexic will make me happy. It does, but only in fleeting moments.

Perceptions: inside and out of my own head.

Today I watched a bit of a clip on youtube called” what’s new with eating disorders?” and it got me thinking about how other people perceive my problems. What I loved was the description of restrictive disorders as a phobia- meaning that the avoidance of anything outside of what is deemed “safe” food-wise, is really just the same as someone who is afraid of spiders, heights etc, keeping as far away from them as possible.

For the first time in a long time, I no longer feel weak for being unable to fight it at times; it is ok to be scared.

So… from inside my head, my perception is that becoming any fatter/ eating more calories than is safe for me etc is DANGEROUS. But from the outside I know that most people believe this comes from the desire to be thin. This misconception is obviously justified by most anorexics constantly making complaints of being disgusting and fat (both are things I say regularly) when really,it is the fear of fat, overeating & being out of control that makes being thinner such a priority.

This led me to question the deceptive nature of eating disorders (most people with a phobia rely on others to help them cope with it), and I have concluded that for me, convincing others I am getting better, even when I’m not, allows me to do the following:

1. Remain safe by keeping the control I have over food, and therefore not going out of control or get fatter

2. Keep my coping mechanism in full swing, so that when anything bad happens in my life I know that I still have “the voice” in my head, so that I can sidetrack my mind and never have to deal with the really horrible feelings and events I have/will experience.

It’s funny that most of the very worst moments and days are the ones where I don’t want to see anybody. Very few people know how vulnerable I am,  as hardly anyone has seen me when I’ve completely broken down.