The voice shreds the mind,
Logic I can no longer be find.
The soul cries for care
But that would be far too fair,
For I am too weak and too bad
To be anything but deeply sad.
“Empty?” She asked. “How can you feel empty? You have a family, a home, friends, dreams..”
And the girl stared through the window and said: “I feel trapped inside. Like I’m looking out of the window, but never will I feel the pleasure of the outdoors.”
“You must learn to love the inside before you can enjoy the outside.”
I don’t know anything about writing.. This little story just came to my imagination (so don’t judge!)
I guess it highlights how my life feels right now. My life from the outside is good, but from the inside it can feel very difficult. What’s getting me through is knowing I’m not alone.
After a class of clawing at my body and wishing it wasn’t so disgusting, I had to take myself off alone so nobody saw me get upset. Sometimes I think it is bad that I hold things in from people, but who would understand me if I said things like “I can’t stop thinking about food, I love it, I want to eat, but I am disgusted by my body. I can’t eat, I don’t want to eat, I want everything to stop being difficult”?!?!
Anyway, writing therapy seems to have helped me to hold it vaguely together today (2 whole pages of scribbling my feelings in the changing room!)
I wish I could eat the things I crave, but right now I know I cannot cope with how I would feel if I were to actually do that. At the same time, the thought of eating more makes me feel sick. As usual I am confused by my own mind..