The title is actually a quote of myself when I am having a bad day. The longing to be out of anybody else’s view is overwhelming, because sometimes I just feel like a total failure for not being thin enough for people to think I am thin. Ridiculous right? I also think that bad days make me want to have time to let my eating disorder be in charge: to plan food meticulously, to eat exactly what I am allowed, to examine every inch of/ avoid looking at my body (mood depending).
Every now and again, I allow myself to give in and spend some time shut away, but I just wish I had more control over these feelings, so that there weren’t days when I seem unable to be in front of anybody comfortably.
I need to be thinner. I need to be strong for dancing. I want to be less depressed. I want to do normal things- like eat out. I want too many things at once that don’t go together..