Today I just woke up feeling on edge. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want people to see me. I didn’t want to face anything; but there was no choice.
I panicked half way through the day, and now feel utterly exhausted after being forced to contain my overwhelming feelings pretty much all day. I hate that I can’t ever switch it off in my head. I long to be free of all the mental turmoil that keeps me so afraid and isolated, but I don’t want to let go of it, because I’m in safe and familiar territory if I choose to muddle on.
It has become virtually impossible to imagine my life without 24/7 thoughts about food, my body, control, or worry… How on earth am I supposed to commit to recovery, when I have forgotten what life used to be like?
anadancer 
Because you will create a new life… you don’t want the life before the ED, because that life obviously had issues that needed addressing, otherwise the ED may not have eventuated. You want a recovered life yeh? One that does not live in this prison. You can do this. Even if it needs to be slow. That prison door is awfully heavy to open, and with someone strong on the other side helping you, you will get that door open and into a meaningful and brighter and fun life!
Wow. What a lovely comment.. I had never thought about recovering to something new, but you’re right: the old life wasn’t good, it had issues that contributed to my ed. I hope that I find a good, happier new place 🙂
🙂 ❤