Where am I with you right now?

I feel like having an eating disorder is like being in this weird relationship. There’s love, hate, guilt, obligations. It’s complicated and time consuming and at the moment I feel like me and my eating disorder are at a road block. For the first time, I have contacted a dietitian of my own accord (I saw one before when I was in young people’s services but eventually got discharged for skipping appointments) and I thought that I really wanted to do this. I tried to eat more calories for a couple of days and it totally scared me. Today I restricted and now all I want is to keep going and going and get the body I want. I want my illness, while simultaneously not wanting it at the same time. 

My eating disorder doesn’t want me to be free, but I feel like the real me definitely does want freedom. The real me doesn’t want to be typing a conversation I’ve had with a voice in my head. The real me wants to be just like everybody else. 

My eating disorder wants me to be special though, and surely being a well person and not having this “special” thing isn’t good enough. What the fuck even is good enough?

2 thoughts on “Where am I with you right now?

  1. Omg thanks for writing this post and putting the conflict about recovery and identity in such clear terms – I think your decision to contact a dietitian was super smart and courageous – I’m rooting for you that you get the insight and support you need. In terms of ‘specialness’ I think that you’ve got a lot of special qualities as it stands; you’re honest – which takes courage, generous to share your writing and personal experiences, and are tenacious about thinking things through in terms of how the ed impacts on your life – I think when you can free up more time in your thoughts – and ed related thoughts about body shape and diet aren’t so prolific you’ll discover even more qualities unique to yourself 🙂 xx Em

    • What a lovely comment to wake up to this morning! I think eating disorders always make people feel torn about recovery, and that’s just a step that has to be figured out. For me it’s been a sticking point for years now. Thanks for the support about me reaching out, it’s made my day. Hope there’s sunshine where you are, as today’s a beautiful day outside for me which makes everything so much better xxx

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