I feel like having an eating disorder is like being in this weird relationship. There’s love, hate, guilt, obligations. It’s complicated and time consuming and at the moment I feel like me and my eating disorder are at a road block. For the first time, I have contacted a dietitian of my own accord (I saw one before when I was in young people’s services but eventually got discharged for skipping appointments) and I thought that I really wanted to do this. I tried to eat more calories for a couple of days and it totally scared me. Today I restricted and now all I want is to keep going and going and get the body I want. I want my illness, while simultaneously not wanting it at the same time.
My eating disorder doesn’t want me to be free, but I feel like the real me definitely does want freedom. The real me doesn’t want to be typing a conversation I’ve had with a voice in my head. The real me wants to be just like everybody else.
My eating disorder wants me to be special though, and surely being a well person and not having this “special” thing isn’t good enough. What the fuck even is good enough?