Today, at around 7 pm, I went upstairs and shut the door. For a good few hours I allowed the tears, panic and thoughts of wishing I was dead to flood in. I have simply had enough. I hate never knowing whether I will reach whatever goal it is I have set myself on the day I want to, or feeling like my life is out of control. It is scary and I can’t run away, so I chose to stay still and hope for the day not to end. Tomorrow means I have less time.
Being happy on the outside is an aim I have almost all of the time (I mean why would I want to have a conversation with my family about it? They can’t help; in fact it would probably make it worse so what is the point!) The disorder voice in my brain thinks it is brilliant when other people stop questioning my behaviour or mood and leave me alone, but a piece of me wishes that people could truly understand exactly how complicated and upsetting life can be when you are in this situation.
I always feel guilty when others say things like “oh but there are children in the world starving to death” because I know that, and I wish that deserving people like them could have better lives. However, the world is how it is, and what I do does not effect the circumstances of someone thousands of miles away! Such comments can sometimes make me feel conceited and vain, yet I know that deep down my worry is a lot more intellectual than just wanting to look nice. Some of it is so confusing that I can’t really articulate it all, and so the willing to starve and get thinner appeals as a double whammy:
1. So that I can be thinner and feel nicer about myself
2. As an external demonstration of the state that is on the inside
In order to pick myself out of the ‘wanting to die’ hole, I used the best method I have been given: writing. I scribbled down as much as I could get out of my head, made an ordered plan of what I want to achieve and when, and made myself think of some positive points to remind myself of (just as I have been told to do before…) Now I am walking for the fourth hour today.
Exhausted and apprehensive, as always, about whether or not I will fail with food and exercise tomorrow, I am going to go and do something else…