It could be worse, but it most certainly isn’t better.

At the moment I am in a “safe” place with my eating disorder. Things stay pretty much “normal” as far as my ed behaviours go, I’m doing the same level of exercise as always, planning food as meticulously as always, and worrying just as much as always. These days, I’m usually very aware of when I’m letting my ed control me, particularly when it comes to snapping at others etc, and so I tend to just hold it all in, feeling a constant need to be polite and calm and never show how much of a fight is going on in my head.

When I lived at home, I felt guilty about shutting my family out, but atleast I could express my difficulty through isolation and cross words towards them sometimes; now I just add fuel to the self-punishment fire so to speak, as none of it gets to come out in any other way apart from through food and exercise.

I feel numb, I am still conflicted about what I want in terms of recovery, but nothing is largely going to change in that respect, as I don’t have any options apart from going it alone at the present time.

In precisely 43 minutes my marching in place will be done and I can go to bed.

Night…

3 thoughts on “It could be worse, but it most certainly isn’t better.

  1. You have the option to fight. You have the option to make a choice, and to choose health and happiness. You have the option not to succumb. It’s okay to show feelings that aren’t ‘nice’, like anger, frustration, and boredom. It’s okay not to be smiling and perfect and mask-like all the time. It’s called humanity. It’s called having a self.

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