Recovery & bodies.

Having an eating disorder has made me feel like my body and its size are absolutely integral to who I am and what I am worth. I feel as though recovery means changing my body (and if it doesn’t, then I’m clearly no good at my disorder!), and I feel mixed.

Part of me wants people to notice I’m sick, and to notice a change, but another part wants my body to change very little and for nobody to say a word.

Maybe a recovered body would be more muscular, more strong and energetic, rather than becoming a bit chubby like I’m afraid of? It’s hard to know how to feel when I don’t actually know if others thing I should gain a bit of weight. I feel too scared to increase my intake because of lack of certainty over my current size.

In other news, the sunny spell here in the U.K. is blissful. It makes me want to wake up and be productive, which I love. Any words of advice would be welcome.

Lots of love xx

Free.

When your mind is always switched on, geared towards worry, or heading to self destruct, feeling pleasure can be fleeting.

This evening I actually feel alive. Is this joy? My present sense of happiness has sparked me to wish for tomorrow to be productive and fulfilling. (We shall see what happens!)

After a conversation yesterday, I awoke this morning feeling totally confused about who I am. A passing comment had made me uncomfortable, and being the only single person in the group felt so embarrassing! Most of time I’m not longing for a relationship at all; in fact I feel that I’m not in the right headspace for one anyway, but it did bring out my loneliness, and a deep fear that I’m not who I think I am. Speaking with a friend was helpful, as I rarely voice things like this to anyone. Perhaps speaking allowed me to move on with my day, and to ultimately enjoy my evening. Moments like this are to be treasured, because eating disorders don’t let them in much.

Reminders

1. Nobody’s perfect.

2. Everybody’s path to success is different.

3. Being a kind person goes a long work.

4. Hard work will pay off.

5. Fear is a trap; self belief is unlocks the door.

Blogging isn’t perfect.

My goodness I’m not usually this sporadic at posting, but lately I keep questioning my drafts and pushing them to one side.

The truth is: there’s no perfect length, perfect title, or perfect expression in a blog. It just is whatever it is- a few words, an essay, pictures, poetry…. it’s all allowed.

I started my blog to be a free space, where venting about anything and everything could happen, and where it didn’t matter how it came out. I think I’ve forgotten that along the way, and so writing seems more pressured than relaxing. Let’s go back to the old days shall we?

I love connecting with other bloggers and getting to know what everyone is up to. I’ve still been reading all your stuff! Sending love and positive thoughts for the week to each and every person reading xox

So there was my medium length, boring, uninspired post in all its glory. THE END.

Grief and thought muddles

Grief and eating disorders are great friends. I’m dealing with the extreme emotions of losing a truly beloved pet right now, and my ed is convincing me that it’s a perfect excuse to eat less.

All my sadness and heartache around the loss quickly become sadness and pain over everything: food, my body, perceived failures, negative predictions about the future… it’s one big storm ☔️

I feel lately that my mind is going so quickly that it’s difficult to post or understand my own thoughts. Any tips out there for this?

It’s like some of my thoughts are present inside, but I can’t get them to come to the outside as I don’t hear them enough to digest and express them. My anxious brain is very good at firing on all cylinders all the time 😂

Currently enjoying the “insight timer” free meditation app at night, and I have to say it’s an amazing app for absolutely no money whatsoever. Highly recommend it over headspace etc, as everything is free and there are thousands of different ones to listen to. Speaking of which, it is time to sleep ⭐️

March = me time. #marchisforme

Anyone else struggle to do the best thing for themselves? I know I do. I can say yes too easily, put others first, or allow my negative brain space to convince myself that I don’t deserve to do nice things for myself.

Of course, sometimes I will enjoy an evening of things I find relaxing, but arguably not always at the moments I truly need it. So this month I’m going to commit myself to doing face masks, painting my nails, journaling, reading…. anything that I feel will boost me.

I think my ambitious nature makes me set goals without considering looking after my feelings as a goal; it definitely needs to be.

#marchisforme

Excuses mask fear.

I’ve realised lately that sometimes I’d rather not try, than fail. Making an excuse is easier than opening myself up to one of my big fears: failure, letting myself down, not being good enough.

An example of this is therapy. I’ve been told many times before that it’s important to try and negate what my eating disorder tells me, and to develop healthy responses. However, my feeling has always been

I can’t do the healthy thing, so I will be no good at this. What’s the point trying?

The point of trying (I learned today in my therapy session), is that it happens in steps. First of all, I need to create the brain space and give some time of day to those healthy, alternative thoughts. If I could act on them 24/7 then I wouldn’t have an eating disorder! (This was a light bulb moment 😂).

I need to get good at not being good at things. I need to be able to try, and feel ok when I can’t be perfect. Thinking about it, my eating disorder is what wants me to remain fearful of failing. That’s another way it can keep me stuck.

I hope the process of therapyI’ve just started with help me unstick ❤️

Therapy sometimes makes you feel worse.

I can count my positive experiences with therapists on one hand (for anonymity I will use initials!): N, S, D and group therapy psychologists whose name escapes me… 🤔

The therapy I have received over the years hasn’t all been focused on my eating disorder. My OCD therapy was by far the most effective, though I also had a great course of group therapy for eating disorders, but sadly it only lasted 12 weeks. It simply wasn’t enough.

After a short wait I met a new therapist today. Strangely I feel a little emotional despite feeling I clicked with her! The word therapy can make me feel that I ought to feel good afterwards, but talking about difficult things is aimed at a long term solution, not short term happiness. Considering I am quite all or nothing in my thinking, this is probably another way for my eating disorder to make me feel like I’m inadequate: not good enough at being ill/ can’t even do therapy right.

We discussed that giving up an eating disorder isn’t an overnight situation, and that first of all we will need to build up my healthy self and get better at emotion regulation. I totally see the benefit of that, and I wish strength on myself to commit to it fully.

How to stop planning for the future.

I am somebody who likes to feel prepared, always trying to get ahead of myself. The problem is, it can actually cause more harm than good if it becomes out of control.

How far ahead does one plan? And which things are important to prepare for?

Perfect example: yesterday I began to feel stressed about money, as I’ve had a shift taken off me for next week. I don’t know yet if I will get a different day in replacement when future rotas are done. I’m not working much, but doing some to have the money for my therapy, and so the spiral begins…

How much will I get? What if I only ever get 2 shifts not 3 a week? How can I pay for x,y,z? I should look for another job. But where? Blah blah blah.

I can’t plan finances based on unfixed circumstances, just like I couldn’t buy enough toothpaste to last me the rest of my life, or plan exactly how many bus trips I will take in the next year. It’s all just a guess, and the guesses won’t reflect reality so what’s the point in jumping to conclusions.

Ah, hello unhelpful thinking style #CBT 😂 but seriously, my energy needs to be put into planning things I can control, and use the remaining energy to handle the unexpected as they come. I’m not sure it’s possible to stop the thoughts coming to my mind, but the spiral of thoughts aren’t necessary.

I suppose we will see what happens next time something comes along that makes me want to get carried away in mind…

Changing habits & reaching goals: what I’m learning.

I am a planner. I love to be organised, to set personal targets, and to schedule lots of things into my life. However, I’ve felt confused of late about how there are some things I never seem to cross of the to do list.

In search of answer, I did some research into how habits are formed, and how goals are more easily attained. A key point I found was the need for a reminder to do the new behaviour/start the task you put off every time. For example, to begin meditating daily you could do it after showering or brushing your teeth. It’s also true that some things will become habitual more quickly than others, and that isn’t down to personal failure!

This all led me to reading about goal setting, as I’ve decided to film my choreography and try to create a good amount of it (to build my confidence and to give myself a goal outside of “get x job”). I always knew that small and achievable targets are the way to go, but perhaps I was too vague. Instead, I need a deadline, a length and a brainstorm.

As somebody who hates to fail, maybe I set myself up to avoid failing. If I don’t set a deadline, it isn’t failure if I don’t do something, right? Well not this week!

Here I am, saying I have two very achievable goals for this week.

1. Keep up my streak of meditating everyday (using the free app “insight timer”) Do this either after dinner or when I wake up

2. Film a rough version of my ideas for choreography to the song I’ve saved on YouTube. Do this by trying things in the space at the gym, and get a rough chunk together

Make yourself some targets! Xoxo